Parody of the Black Pearl
by Agent047
Summary: My parody of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. Originally published in 2006, revised edition 2011 now up!
1. That's Not Fog, It's Smoke

**Author's Welcome: Hey everybody! Welcome to the first in my POTC parody series! My parodies are the product of a collaborative effort between me and my brother, so half the credit for the parodying must go to him. We think the movies and the characters are awesome, which is why we can make fun of them. :) And now, without further ado, enjoy my _Parody of the Black Pearl!_**

* * *

**That's Not Fog, It's Smoke From the Burning Ship!**

_A British ship is sailing through fog. Young Elizabeth is standing near the railing of the ship, and she is NOT singing about pirates. At least, not anymore. She had been, but then Gibbs put duct tape over her mouth._

_Norrington walks up and notices the duct tape._

Norrington: Mr. Gibbs, please explain why you have gagged the governor's daughter.

Gibbs: She was singing about pirates!

Norrington: That's no excuse for brutal treatment of a young lady.

_Norrington rips the duct tape off of Elizabeth's mouth._

Elizabeth: OW!

Norrington: Mr. Gibbs, don't you have something better to do?

Gibbs: Probably.

Norrington: Then go do it.

_Gibbs leaves to return to his deck-swabbing duties._

Elizabeth: Pirates are awesome.

Norrington: No they're not. Pirates suck at life.

Elizabeth: What?

Norrington: I mean, they all deserve to be hanged.

Governor Swann: Lieutenant Norrington, you're going to disturb the poor girl.

Elizabeth: Actually, I find it all fascinating.

Governor Swann: Like I said, you're disturbed.

_Elizabeth pouts and walks away to gaze down at the water. Oh, look, it's an unconscious boy._

Elizabeth: Hey, Norrington, wanna play I Spy?

Norrington: No.

Elizabeth: Okay, I'll go first. I spy with my little eye something wet and drowning.

Norrington: I don't think you actually understand the rules of this game…

Elizabeth: Sure I do. Look.

_Norrington sees the unconscious boy floating on the most convenient raft ever._

Norrington: Man overboard!

Elizabeth: Hey... how can he be overboard if he was never on board to begin with?

_Norrington frowns; she has a point. Sailors run around everywhere and bring the boy on board. Gibbs sees a burning ship._

Gibbs: Holy crap! Look at that!

Governor Swann: What happened?

Norrington: Most likely the powder magazine.

Governor Swann: Did what?

Norrington: Got exploded. Duh.

Gibbs: Which is code for, pirates did it.

Governor Swann: What have I told you about saying the P-word in front of Elizabeth?

Gibbs: Sorry, I thought you meant the other P-word.

Norrington: Someone go wake up the captain!

Gibbs: Why is he even asleep?

Norrington: Uhh… I may or may not have put sleeping pills in his tea so I could pretend I was in charge…

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, to keep you out of trouble, I'm giving you the job of taking care of the boy.

_Elizabeth agrees, and creepily plays with the boy's hair. He wakes up and freaks out._

Elizabeth: Hi. I'm Elizabeth.

Will: Will Turner.

Elizabeth: Nice to meet you, Will. I'll be taking care of you.

Will: I'm done for.

_Will faints. Elizabeth sees the medallion around his neck, and picks it up._

Elizabeth: Whoa, cool. A real live pirate! Well, almost alive, anyway...

_Norrington sneaks up on Elizabeth. She hides the medallion so he won't hang Will._

Norrington: Has he said anything?

Elizabeth: Yep.

_Pause._

Norrington: What did he say?

Elizabeth: He said, "Will Turner."

Norrington: Is that all?

Elizabeth: Geesh, if I had known I was supposed to be conducting an interrogation, I would have asked for his rank and serial number too.

_Elizabeth goes over to the railing and sees the Black Pearl sailing through the cloud of fog/smoke. She blinks._

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Revised edition 2011! Originally published in 2006, and I thought it needed some updating. Enjoy. :)


	2. Medallions, Corsets, and Swords

**Medallions, Corsets, Light Fixtures, and Swords**

_8 years later. Elizabeth wakes up and takes the medallion out from under some random dust she found in a drawer. She puts the medallion on, and there's a knock at the door._

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you decent?

Elizabeth: Uh...

_Elizabeth secret agent/spy-dives across the room, knocking things over in the process, and puts her robe on, hiding the medallion down the front of her dress. Nobody better find it there._

Elizabeth: Yes!

Governor Swann: What?

Elizabeth: Yes, I'm decent. Get in here.

_Governor Swann comes into the room, followed by a maid. The maid throws the window open, and Elizabeth is temporarily blinded by the sunlight._

Governor Swann: Good morning, Elizabeth. I brought you a present.

_Governor Swann holds out a dress to Elizabeth. Elizabeth staggers around, still blinded from the sunlight._

Elizabeth: Where?

Governor Swann: Here.

_Elizabeth's eyes finally adjust to the bright light._

Elizabeth: Oh, goody, it's not ugly like the last one you bought me... Okay, what do you want from me?

Governor Swann: Nothing!

_Elizabeth steps behind the shade to put the dress on._

Governor Swann: Actually, I kinda lied. I would like you to wear that to Captain Norrington's promotion party.

Elizabeth: I knew you wanted something.

Governor Swann: So does he, if you know what I mean.

_The maids start to lace up Elizabeth's corset._

Elizabeth: OW! Dang it!

Governor Swann: Elizabeth?

Elizabeth: Stupid corset!

Governor Swann: I hear it's the latest fashion in London...

Elizabeth: Screw London! I can't breathe!

_The butler, Arthur William Bartleby IV, walks into the room._

Arthur William Bartleby IV: There's some guy downstairs.

_Governor Swann frowns at the way the butler addressed him, but does nothing. He could never fire him. After all, his father, Arthur William Bartleby III had saved the Governor's job on many different occasions. Governor Swann heads downstairs to see the visitor._

_The visitor, Will, is standing in the hallway, holding a long case. He notices an interesting light fixture. He touches it, and it breaks off in his hand. Glancing around, Will quickly examines his options, then he performs the only logical course of action and chucks the broken light fixture into in umbrella stand, where it lands with a resounding _CLANG._Over in Singapore, Sao Fang cringes at the lound noise he just heard._

_Governor Swann comes down the stairs._

Governor Swann: Hello, Mr. Turner. Did you hear something?

Will: Uh... no...

Governor Swann: Hmm. It sounded like someone dropped a light fixture in our umbrella stand.

Will: Must have been the wind.

Governor Swann: Must have.

Will: Anyway, I have your order.

_Governor Swann takes the sword out of its case and inspects it._

Governor Swann: Impressive. Very shiny.

Will: Yeah, and check this out.

_Will takes the sword and balances it on his hand. Then he flips it up into the air, narrowly missing the piano and the governor._

Governor Swann: Very impressive. Commodore Norrington will be quite pleased. Pass my compliments on to your master.

Will: Uh... sure. He'll be pleased to hear that my work is appreciated.

Governor Swann: Your work? Aren't you just a silly apprentice boy?

Will: I mean, his work. Duh.

_Elizabeth comes down the stairs. Will gapes at her in amazement, doing the typical guy thing and babbling incoherently._

Will: Um… hi… Your dress is… nice.

_Elizabeth ignores the fact that Will's attempt at a compliment just crashed and burned._

Elizabeth: I had a dream about you last night.

Will: About... me? What was I doing?

Elizabeth: Not a whole lot… I was dreaming about the day we met, and you were unconscious most of the time. Don't you remember?

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you sure this is entirely proper?

Elizabeth: Screw proper. Will, do you remember or not?

Will: How could I forget, Miss Swann?

Elizabeth: Call me Elizabeth.

Will: Not in front of your father. He'd think I was being forward.

Governor Swann: You are being forward.

Will: Whoops.

Governor Swann: Come on, Elizabeth, we have partying to do.

Elizabeth: Good day, Mr. Turner.

_Governor Swann and Elizabeth step outside and get into the carraige. The carraige drives away._

Will: Good day... Elizabeth...

Governor Swann: I HEARD THAT!

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Revised edition 2011!


	3. How NOT to be Inconspicuous

**How NOT to be Inconspicuous**

_Jack Sparrow is doing his best to look awesome. It's working quite well until the camera pans out and we see that not only is he in a dinghy, but that it's leaking. He sees some pirates who got on Norrington's bad side._

Jack: Suckers.

_Jack climbs back on the mast and rides the sinking dinghy to the docks. He has, on purpose, timed this perfectly so that he can step right from the mast onto the dock._

_Jack is stopped by Samuel E. Brunswick, the tax collector._

Samuel E. Brunswick: Halt!

_Jack halts._

Brunswick: It's a shilling to...

_Brunswick glances at the ship, whose mast is the only thing visible above the surface of the water._

Brunswick: It's a shilling to sink your boat at the dock.

_Jack has a feeling that it isn't._

Brunswick: And I need to know your name.

Jack: Lies. How about a bribe?

_Jack drops three shillings into Brunswick's hand._

Brunswick: I still need to know your name.

Jack: What is it with you people? Call me... I don't care, Bob or something.

Brunswick: Welcome to Port Royal, Bob or something.

_Jack steals Brunswick's money, then walks into Port Royal, strutting as if he owns the place. What he doesn't know is that Almost-Commodore Norrington also thinks he owns the place._

_Jack heads down to the docks, which are being guarded by two intellectuals by the names of Murtogg and Mullroy. Jack tries to act nonchalant, but unfortunately, he appears very chalant to the two guards._

Murtogg: Just a moment there, you. These docks are off-limits to civilians.

Jack: My bad. If I see any, you'll be the first to know.

_Jack attempts to walk around the two guards, but they make an expert maneuver and block his path._

Jack: Apparently there's some sort of wild party going on up in the courtyard. How could two party animals such as yourselves bear to pass it up?

_Murtogg scoffs._

Murtogg: Party animals, us? Hardly. We would much rather spend our valuable time pursuing the respectable endeavor of keeping this dock off limits to civilians.

_Jack frowns for a moment, deciphering this._

Jack: Well, good luck with that…

_Jack tries to get around the two guards again, this time in the other direction. Once again, the guards are too swift to allow him to pass._

Jack: I gotta say, if I were the _Interceptor_, I'd feel like an afterthought compared to that awesome beasty ship over there.

Murtogg: The _Dauntless_ is the power in these waters, true enough. But none can surpass the _Intercepter_ for speed.

Jack: Lies. My money's on the _Black Pearl_.

Mullroy: All right, mister, play mind games if you will. But there is no real ship that can match the _Intercepter_ for speed.

Murtogg: Oh, but the _Black Pearl_ is certainly real enough.

Mullroy: You jest.

Murtogg: I do not. I have seen it.

Mullroy: You've seen the _Black Pearl_, you say?

Murtogg: Yes.

Mullroy: You've seen a ship with black sails, that's crewed by the damned and captained by a man so evil that hell itself spat him back out?

Murtogg: Well, I can hardly say much for certain as pertaining to the captain and crew, but I have seen a ship with black sails.

Mullroy: With that as your only evidence, you can logically conclude that it could not have possibly been any ship other than the _Black Pearl_? Is that what you are asking me to believe?

Murtogg: I suppose it is a preposterous notion, now that you mention it.

_Jack rolls his eyes, then slips away while the intellectuals continue their intellectual argument._

Mullroy: Of course it is preposterous. Like I said, there is no real ship that can surpass the _Interceptor_ for...

_Murtogg and Mullroy notice that Jack is missing. They turn and see him standing behind the wheel of the Intercepter._

Murtogg: Excuse me, you!

Mullroy: You do not possess authorization to be aboard this ship!

Jack: Um...

Murtogg: What is your name, mister?

Jack: Bob. Or Bobby, if you prefer. Named for me uncle. He was a…

Mullroy: What is your purpose in Port Royal, Bob?

Murtogg: And please spare us the tireseome lies.

Jack: All right, I confess. I have come to make Commodore Norrington look silly by stealing his favorite boat, then sail it to Tortuga for some real fun.

Murtogg: I believe I specifically asked you to spare us the tiresome lies.

Mullroy: As extraordinary as it may seem, I believe he was telling the truth.

Murtogg: Hardly. He is quite obviously a criminal. Criminals are known to be habitual liars, and if this were the truth, he would not have told it to us.

Jack: Unless, of course, he knew you wouldn't believe the truth even if he told it to you.

_This statement is too baffling even for the intellectuals to comprehend without further deliberation, so the three of them sit down to discuss logic, ethics, and mathematics over a cup of tea._

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Revised edition 2011!


	4. LongWinded Proposals and Cliff Divers

**Long-Winded Proposals and Cliff Divers**

_The promotion ceremony has ended._

Norrington: Finally.

_Norrington spots Elizabeth, and nervously walks over to her to give the proposal speech he prepared the night before. Elizabeth looks gorgeous and Norrington is a nervous wreck. He does the typical guy thing, babbling even more incoherently than Will did._

Norrington: Uh... Hi Elizabeth. Can I... uh, er... talk to a moment for you? No, I mean, talk to, uh, you, for a, um, moment?

_Elizabeth smiles pleasantly, even though the corset is attempting to skoosh her._

Elizabeth: If you must.

_Norrington and Elizabeth step over to the edge of the battlements overlooking the ocean. Elizabeth is fighting an epic battle against her corset, but Norrington is too busy trying to remember his speech to notice._

Norrington: Uhh... you look... nice... Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: That makes one of us.

Norrington: Thank you.

Elizabeth: That wasn't exactly a compliment...

Norrington: Hm. Gillette's fault, probably. Anyway... um, well, I don't want to scare you... I mean, I apologize if I seem backward... forward... but, uh... This promotion that which I have already not yet achieved...

Elizabeth: Huh?

Norrington: Crap, that wasn't right... Sorry, I'm nervous... I meant, this promotion throws into sharp relief that I desire a marriage to a fine achievement...

Elizabeth: No you don't...

_Norrington realizes that he is not making sense at all. He has completely forgotten his beautifully planned speech, so he just blurts out what it is he is trying to say._

Norrington: Elizabeth, please marry me!

_Startled by the Commodore's sudden bluntness, Elizabeth is speechless._

Elizabeth: I can't breathe...

_Elizabeth's corset throws her off the battlements._

Norrington: Yes... I'm nervous too... Or maybe it's all the brocade...

_Norrington notices that Elizabeth is not standing next to him anymore._

Norrington: Elizabeth? Where did you go?

_Commodore Oblivious finally notices where Elizabeth went._

Norrington: Crap.

_Norrington starts to take off his coat and prepares to dive after her. Gillette stops him._

Gillette: Sir, the rocks! It is only by chance that Miss Swann avoided a gruesome and untimely death. It would be a terrible thing if that fate were to befall you, sir, especially on this day of your promotion to the honorable rank of Commodore. Please, sir, take a less risky course of action, as this officer would be greatly distressed if you were to be injured in any way.

Norrington: Stop your babbling and take my coat.

Gillette: Yes, sir.

_Norrington hurries down the steps of the battlements to be heroic._

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Revised edition 2011!


	5. Daring Escape, Dumb Luck, or Bad Aim?

**Daring Escape, Dumb Luck, or the Military's Bad Aim?**

_Jack Sparrow is sitting on the Interceptor with the two intellectuals, Murtogg and Mullroy._

Jack: ...and then I found five dollars.

_Elizabeth splashes into the water._ _Jack, Murtogg, and Mullroy hurry to the side of the ship._

Jack: You wanna get that?

Mullroy: I can't swim.

Murtogg: I could never permit myself to engage in such savage activites. I can't swim either.

_Jack rolls his eyes._

Jack: And the navy hired you... why?

Mullroy: Because we have genius IQ's.

Jack: Epic fail.

_Jack hands Murtogg and Mullroy his coat, pistol, hat, sword, compass, and effects._

Jack: Don't lose these.

_Jack dives off the side of the ship and pulls Elizabeth to the surface. Her dress, however, has other ideas, and attempts to pull the two of them back down under the water. So Jack takes the dress off and then has better luck completing his heroic rescue. He lays her down on the dock._

Mullroy: Oh dear, she appears to be in a state of respiratory arrest...

_Jack rolls his eyes and cuts Elizabeth's corset off. Elizabeth coughs and spits out water._

Murtogg: That course of action never would have occurred to me.

Jack: Then obviously you lied about having been to Singapore.

_Jack notices the medallion around Elizabeth's neck._

Jack: Where did you get that?

_Norrington and Governor Swann appear. Norrington draws his sword and points it at Jack's face._

Norrington: Stand up, you perv.

_Governor Swann puts his coat around Elizabeth._

Governor Swann: Are you all right?

Elizabeth: Yeah, no thanks to your stupid corset.

Governor Swann: Er... oops.

_Governor Swann sees Murtogg holding Elizabeth's corset. Murtogg points to Jack._

Governor Swann: Shoot him!

Elizabeth: Father, are you seriously going to let the Commodore kill my rescuer?

Norrington: Fine. I suppose I should thank you for saving Elizabeth's life.

_Norrington extends his hand. Jack hesitates, then shakes Norrington's hand. Norrington pulls up Jack's sleeve and reveals the pirate brand on Jack's wrist._

Norrington: Well, hey. What do we have here?

Jack: My... arm?

Norrington: Wrong answer.

Governor Swann: Hang him!

Norrington: Gillette, fetch me some irons.

Gillette: Yes, sir. Right away, Commodore Norrington, sir! Oh, I do love the way your new title sounds.

Norrington: The irons...

Gillette: Sorry, sir, on my way, sir!

_Gillette salutes. Norrington rolls his eyes in a very proper British manner and pulls Jack's sleeve up farther._

Norrington: Jack Sparrow, I presume.

Jack: That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow to you, matey.

Norrington: And your ship is... where?

Jack: Hiding from your face.

Murtogg: He said he had intentions to comandeer one.

Mullroy: Ah, so it seems I was correct in my assumption that he was being truthful.

_Mullroy hands Norrington Jack's effects._

Mullroy: These are his personal items, sir.

_Norrington inspects Jack's pistol._

Norrington: No additional shots or powder...

Jack: I didn't want to have an unfair advantage over you and your army.

_Norrington looks at the compass._

Norrington: A compass that doesn't point North...

Jack: Better than your sense of direction, I'm sure.

_Jack peeks at the compass and notices that it is pointing at Elizabeth. Jack snickers. Nobody else understands why. Norrington unsheathes Jack's sword._

Norrington: And I half expected it to be made of wood.

Jack: Haha, fooled you.

Norrington: You are most definitely the worst pirate I have ever heard of.

Jack: Well, at least you have heard of me.

_Gillette returns and puts shackles on Jack's wrists._

Elizabeth: Screw pirates, this man saved my life!

Norrington: Whatever.

_Gillette moves over to stand next to Norrington. He strikes a pose that is supposed to look tough and intimidating. Jack rolls his eyes._

Jack: Are you for real?

_Jack throws his shackles around Elizabeth's neck._

Governor Swann: Don't shoot!

Random Soldier: I wasn't gonna, geesh.

Jack: I knew you'd learn to like me! Commodore Norrington, my effects, please. And my hat!

_Norrington holds out Jack's effects. And his hat._

Jack: Now, Elizabeth.

_Elizabeth glares at Jack._

Jack: What? It is Elizabeth, isn't it?

Elizabeth: It's Miss Swann.

Jack: Well, whoever you are, if you would be so kind...

_Elizabeth takes Jack's things and fastens them back onto him, which involves wrapping her arms around him._

Jack: That's right, Norrington. Be jealous.

Norrington: Oh, I am, don't worry.

Elizabeth: Screw pirates.

Jack: Hey, you owed me. Now we're square.

_Jack turns Elizabeth around to face the crowd as he begins to slowly back away._

Jack: Gentlemen, milady... This is the day that you will always remember as the day that you almost caught Captain Jack Sparrow!

_Jack shoves Elizabeth into Norrington's arms, then makes his daring escape. The soldiers fire at him, but their aim is worse than your grandma's arthritis, and they miss._

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Revised edition 2011!


	6. How to Cheat at Swordfighting

**How to Cheat at Swordfighting**

_Jack enters the blacksmith shop after eluding the British. He notices the drunk guy asleep in a chair. Jack pokes the drunk guy._

Drunk Guy: Leave me alone, I'm trying to sleep!

Jack: Fine, gosh.

_Jack tries to remove the handcuffs, or whatever the 18th-century equivalent of handcuffs is technically called, but he is unsuccessful. So he makes the donkey do it for him, using a red-hot poker stick as his method of persuasion. Once the donkey gets the handcuffs off, Jack thinks he's free, but Will, for the first and only time in his life, takes advantage of the opportune moment and enters the room. Jack hides in Will's broom closet._

_The donkey is freaking out, so Will tells the donkey to chillax. Then Will consults his photographic memory to survey the rest of the room._

Will's Photographic Memory: The drunk guy has not moved. However, the hammer has. And, there's a random hat there that you've never seen before.

_Will moves to pick up the hat, but Jack's sword stops him._

Jack's Sword: Stop!

Will: Do you know the Navy is chasing you?

Jack: Yeah, I know, Norrington told me.

Will: That makes you a pirate.

Jack: Your face.

Will: What about my face?

Jack: It looks familiar. I've seen it somewhere before... wanted poster?

Will: No!

Jack: Oh, then I must have threatened you before, is that it?

Will: I avoid pirates.

Jack: Then I'll leave now and you can pretend you never saw me.

_Jack starts to leave, but Will pulls out his own sword._

Jack: For real? You, sucker, are crossing blades with me, a pirate. You're screwed, mate.

Will: You threatened Miss Swann.

Jack: How could you possibly know that? You weren't even there.

_Insert swordfight here. Jack makes his way towards the door._

Jack: So long, sucker.

_Will flings his sword at Jack's head, but misses. Instead, it gets stuck in the door, effectively sealing Jack's exit._

Will: I totally meant to do that!

Jack: Sure you did. But now you have no weapon. Sucker.

_Will takes a sword out of the fire._

Jack: Dang...

_A very exciting series of attacks and parries and counter-attacks ensues, complete with flying sparks from the hot end of Will's sword. As their duel takes them around the room, Jack notices all the various swords sitting around._

Jack: Where did all these come from?

Will: I made them! Aren't they awesome? I practice with them three hours a day.

Jack: You have no life. You need a girlfriend.

_Jack chucks a hammer at Will's head, but Will ducks and the hammer misses._

Jack: Or maybe you've already found a girl, and since you can't win her with looks or charm, you've got to find some other way to impress her... You're not a eunuch, are you?

Will: No! I practice three hours a day so that if I ever meet a pirate, I can kill it. Oh, look, here's one now!

Jack: Where?

_Insert swordfight on the teeter-totter cart. Will ends up in the rafters._

Jack: Haha, sucker. Bye.

_Will catapults Jack up into the rafters. Insert more swordfight. In the end, Jack sets off a smoke bomb and temporarily blinds Will, steals his sword, drinks the rest of the drunk guy's rum, and then aims his pistol at Will's face._

Will: You cheated!

Jack: Um, yes. What tipped you off?

_Banging is heard from the front door. The British are coming, the British are coming!_

Jack: Move.

Will: No.

Jack: Please?

Will: No.

Jack: Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Will: I cannot let you escape! And I don't like cherries anyway.

Jack: Then I'll blow your head off. This isn't even your bullet!

Will: Huh?

Jack: Sorry, I meant musket ball.

_A bottle smashes over Jack's head._

Jack: That's gonna hurt in the morning...

_Jack falls on his face unconcious. The drunk, Mr. Brown, weilds his broken bottle triumphantly. Norrington's men finally succeed in breaking the door down. Gillette bursts through the door, brandishing his sword, looking around for someplace to demonstrate his swordfighting skills to impress the Commodore. He notices Jack unconcious on the floor and pouts as he realizes that he won't be able to swordfight for the Commodore, but quickly becomes perky again as he realizes that he can impress his superior with his cautiousness and swift sword handling._

Norrington: Gillette, kindly put that bloody thing away before you take my ear off.

Gillette: Sorry, sir. My apologies. I was only attempting to be ready to defend you in case the pirate acted in a hostile manner.

Norrington: Gillette?

Gillette: Yes, sir?

Norrington: The pirate is unconcious.

Gillette: Oh.

Norrington: Excellent work, Mr. Brown. You have incapacitated the fugitive and saved Gillette from humiliating himself further by engaging in a swordfight, since we all know that he sucks at swordfighting. I mean, we all know that his swordfighting skills are quite below average.

_Gillette pouts because he was insulted. Will pouts because Norrington failed to recognize his hard work. Mr. Brown pouts because Norrington used too many big words, and plus, his alcohol is all gone. The donkey pouts because his behind is still sore from where Jack burned him with the red-hot poker. Jack pouts because he is unconcious._

Norrington: Jack Sparrow, you suck. I mean, you can't escape. Take him away.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	7. Stop Blowing Holes in my Fort!

**Stop Blowing Holes in my Fort!**

_Jack is locked up in a prison cell. In the cell next to him are several criminals. The Key Doggie is sitting nearby with the keys to the cell in its mouth. One of the criminals sticks a bone through the bars of the cell to tempt the Key Doggie. This criminal is Julius Cunningham, who was caused the previous Commodore to fall off the battlements to his death, and is sentenced to be hanged._

Julius Cunningham: Here, poochie poochie, I've got a juicy bone for you! Come here, poochie poo.

Jack: If you call that dog "poochie poo", he is most definitely not going to move.

Cunningham: Well pardon me if I'm not Captain Jack Sparrow and already formulating a grand escape attempt.

_Jack doesn't correct him. What he's really thinking is something more along the lines of, "I'm so screwed" and/or "I hate Norrington."_

_Back in the governor's house, Elizabeth is sitting in bed reading. Her maid, Estrella, walks in, carrying a pan full of fiery coals._

Estrella: There you go, miss.

_Estrella shoves the fire pan into the bed._

Elizabeth: Yikes! Are you trying to scorch my feet?

Estrella: No, of course not, miss! I just thought you'd like some warmth. You've had a difficult day.

Elizabeth: Well, I had suspected Commodore Norrington would propose, but I have to say, his methods are quite... blunt.

Estrella: I was talking about that pirate. The one who threatened you. That must have been terrifying!

Elizabeth: Pirate? Oh, right. Terrifying. Sure.

Estrella: But Commodore Norrington proposed, did he? Lucky. He's so handsome and brave, and he's got status. That's a smart match.

Elizabeth: I suppose it is. He's what any woman would dream of marrying.

Estrella: Oh, you have no idea! But that Will Turner, he's a hottie.

Elizabeth: Don't go there if you want to keep your position...

Estrella: My apologies, miss.

_Estrella leaves._

_On top of the fort, Governor Swann and Commodore Norrington are taking a stroll._

Governor Swann: So, has Elizabeth said yes yet?

Norrington: No. If it hadn't been for that pirate... Sometimes I wish I had become a barber like mother wanted. That kind of work would never have gotten in way of my marraige proposal.

Governor Swann: Actually, if you think about it, that kind of work would be just as bad. It would hardly be proper for a lowly barber to propose to the Governor's daughter.

Norrington: True...

_Governor Swann hears a noise._

Governor Swann: Excuse yourself, Commodore.

Norrington: Wasn't me.

Governor Swann: Then what was that?

_They both turn around and look pointedly at Gillette._

Gillette: Good evening, Commodore, sir! Oh, hello, Governor! Lovely weather we're having.

_Norrington listens for a moment._

Norrington: Cannon fire!

_Norrington performs an impressive football-style tackle that would have made NFL scouts come running if they existed back then._

Norrington: Return fire!

Gillette: Yes sir! Right away sir! I'll get right on it, sir!

Norrington: Just do it, you fool!

Gillette: Yes sir!

_Back in the prison, Jack hears the gunfire._

Jack: I know those guns!

_Jack springs up and runs to the window. He looks out into the bay, and sees a ship with black sails firing on the fort._

Jack: It's the _Pearl_!

_One of the prisoners in the cell next door hears Jack's exclaimation. This prisoner's name is Sam, and he was arrested on the accusation of being a French spy. Obviously he had been accused and arrested by Gillette, because he only spoke Spanish at the time of his arrest. By now he has learned enough English to respond to Jack's exclaimation._

Sam: The _Black Pearl_? I have heard stories about her. She has been preying on ships and villages for nearly ten years. She never leaves any survivors.

Jack: No survivors? Well in that case, the stories are either false or fabricated.

_Sam frowns, mentally translating this into Spanish, then frowns again because this makes no sense. Or maybe it made too much sense..._

_In the blacksmith shop, Will grabs a hatchet and a sword and runs out into the street. Up on the battlements, Norrington is shouting orders to everyone, including the Governor. In the Governor's house, Elizabeth sees pirates coming up the walk. The pirates knock on the door, and the butler, Arthur William Bartleby IV, goes to open the door._

Elizabeth: Bartleby, no!

_Bartleby opens the door._

Pintel: Hiya, sucker.

_Pintel kills Bartleby. Elizabeth freaks out and runs away. Pintel and Ragetti chase her. Elizabeth sort of locks herself in a room with the maid Estrella._

Estrella: They've come to kidnap you!

Elizabeth: What?

Estrella: They'll get good ransom money for you. You're the governor's daughter!

Elizabeth: Don't remind me.

Estrella: What should we do?

Elizabeth: I'll fight them off while you run and get help.

_Estrella runs off. Elizabeth conks Pintel in the face with the fire pan. Then she dumps the hot coals on Ragetti's head._

Ragetti: Heehee! That tickles!

_More running and chasing. Pintel and Ragetti get distracted when a cannonball hits one of their mates and blasts him through a door. More running, more chasing._

_Elizabeth has a fail trying to take some decorative swords off the wall, then implements Plan B and hides in a cabinet. Pintel and Ragetti break into the room and look around._

Ragetti: Looks like she went out the window.

_Pintel looks out the window._

Pintel: No it doesn't.

Ragetti: Why not?

Pintel: Because she's not out there. She's in here somewhere. Aren't you, poppet? You can't hide forever. The gold calls to us.

Gold Medallion: Over here! I'm in the cabinet!

_Pintel walks over to the closet and peeks in at Elizabeth through the crack._

Pintel: Bingo.

_Pintel throws the cabinet doors open._

Elizabeth: Parlay!

Pintel: Huh?

Elizabeth: I said, "parlay." The code says you have to take me to your captain.

Pintel: I know the code. Duh.

Ragetti: Screw the code!

Pintel: No actually, let's take her to Barbossa. This could be entertaining.

Ragetti: Ooh, good point.

_Out in the streets, Will is fighting with pirates. The Crazy Hook Psycho hooks him around the neck._

Crazy Hook Psycho: Say goodbye!

_A sign falls and knocks the Crazy Hook Psycho through the window. Will magically escapes._

Will: Goodbye.

_Will sees Elizabeth being taken away by Ragetti and Pintel. He starts to run to help her, but another pirate conks him over the head with a hammer._

Will: Ow...

_Will falls over unconcious in the street._

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	8. Screwed Negotiations

**Screwed Negotiations**

_In the prison, a cannonball blasts through the wall, providing the prisoners in the cell next to Jack's with a way out. Unfortunately, the whole is not large enough for Jack to benefit from it._

Cunningham: See ya. Wouldn't wanna be ya.

Sam: Adios!

_The prisoners escape through the hole. Jack picks up the bone and tries his luck with the pooch._

Jack: Come here, poochie! I've got a nice juicy bone for you.

_The dog seems interested and moves closer._

Jack: Can't you move any faster, you useless fleabag?

_There is a crash from overhead. The dog gets spooked and runs away with the keys._

Jack: Did I say "useless fleabag?" My bad, I totally meant something else…

_The prison guard rolls down the stairs. He's dead. Kohler and Twigg come down after him and look around. (They're not dead.)_

Twigg: That jerkface lied to us! There are no free doughnuts down here!

_Kohler notices Jack._

Kohler: Dude, check this out. It's Jack Sparrow.

Twigg: Last time I saw you, Captain Barbossa was maroonin' you. Don't look like your luck has improved much. Sucker.

Jack: At least I haven't committed mutiny. I hear the deepest circle of hell is reserved for mutineers.

_Twigg grabs Jack around the neck. As Twigg's hand enters the moonlight, it turns into a skeleton's hand._

Twigg: You know nothing of hell.

_Twigg and Koehler leave._

Jack: Well there's something you don't see every day.

_Elizabeth has been taken aboard the Black Pearl._

Bo'sun: We're taking captives? Did I miss something?

Pintel: She's invoked parlay with Captain Barbossa.

Elizabeth: I am here to negotiate…

_Bo'sun smacks her upside the face._

Bo'sun: Shut up!

_Barbossa appears and grabs Bo'sun's wrist to stop him from initiating an all-out slapfest._

Barbossa: What have I told you about harming people under the protection of parlay?

Bo'sun: To not to.

Barbossa: Very good. Now go make yourself useful.

_Bo'sun leaves to go make himself useful._

Barbossa: Sorry about him. He's seen a little too much of The Three Stooges.

Elizabeth: Huh?

_Barbossa remembers that The Three Stooges haven't been invented yet._

Barbossa: Oh, sorry, never mind.

Elizabeth: I have come to negotiate the cessation of hostilities against Port Royal.

Barbossa: Huh?

Elizabeth: I want you to take your boat and your cannons and go away and stay away.

Barbossa: I am disinclined to aquiest to your request.

Elizabeth: Huh?

_Barbossa feels immensely proud of himself; it took him three weeks to memorize all those long words._

Barbossa: No.

_Elizabeth takes the medallion off from around her neck and dangles it over the edge of the ship._

Elizabeth: Then the medallion will be sleeping with the fishies.

Barbossa: And we care... why?

Elizabeth: Because you've been searching for it for like eight years. I recognize this ship.

Barbossa: Well, aren't you special.

Elizabeth: Yes, I am. But, since this medallion apparently isn't, I'll just chuck it.

_Elizabeth lets the medallion fall slightly. The pirates all freak out and jump for the medallion._

Barbossa: NO!

Elizabeth: Exactly.

Barbossa: Do you have a name?

Elizabeth: Yes.

_Pause._

Barbossa: Would you mind telling me what it is?

Elizabeth: Uh... Elizabeth Turner. I'm a maid in the governor's house.

Barbossa: Miss Turner! Did you guys hear that?

Pintel: Bootstrap!

Elizabeth: What?

Pintel: Uh... my shoe's untied... yeah...

Barbossa: Shuddup, sucker! I'm running these negotiations!

_Pintel bends down pretending to tie his shoe. Barbossa turns back to Elizabeth._

Barbossa: Random question. Where did you even get hold of that? Family heirloom?

Elizabeth: Well, I didn't steal it, if that's what you mean.

_Lies._

Barbossa: Well, if you'll just hand it over, we'll call off our cannons.

_Elizabeth drops the medallion into Barbossa's hand._

Elizabeth: Our bargain?

_Barbossa walks away. Bo'sun starts shouting important-sounding orders. Elizabeth is very swift and realizes what the pirates are planning._

Elizabeth: Wait! You have to take me back to shore!

Barbossa: Says who?

Elizabeth: Says the Code of the Order of the Brethren set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew!

Barbossa: Okay, whoa. First of all, me taking you back to shore was not part of our negotiations. Second, you have to be a pirate for the pirates' code to apply, and you're not. Thirdly, we believe in a very liberal interpretation of the code. So make yourself at home.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	9. Who Needs Planning, You've Got Leverage

**Who Needs Planning When You've Got Leverage?**

_The next morning. Will wakes up in the middle of the street with a massive headache compliments of getting bonked. He is about to ask for aspirin, but then he remembers it hasn't been invented yet. Will finds Norrington, who is being really useful and staring at a random map._

_Norrington is cranky for several reasons. One, because he screwed up his proposal to Elizabeth. Two, because Elizabeth has been kidnapped and he didn't get to do a heroic rescue act. Three, because he didn't sleep last night. And four, because while he wasn't sleeping, he was getting shot at by pirates._

Will: Elizabeth has been kidnapped!

Norrington: I know that, you moron. Go away.

_Murtogg attempts to remove Will, but Will resists._

Will: We have to save Elizabeth!

Norrington: No duh. That's what I'm doing.

Will: No you're not. You're staring at a map. Is the map going to save Elizabeth?

Mapmaker: Don't diss the map.

Will: We have to do something!

Governor Swann: Do you have any ideas?

Will: No, but neither does the Commodore.

Norrington: Shut up.

Murtogg: If I remember correctly, the pirate Jack Sparrow spoke of a ship called the _Black Pearl_.

Mullroy: If you ask me...

Norrington: We didn't.

Mullroy: In a hypothetical situation where you did ask me, then, I would say that the pirate's mention of the _Black Pearl_ was more of a casual passing comment, then actually speaking of it at length.

Will: So ask him where it is! Bribe him or something. He could lead you to it!

Norrington: No. The cretins who ruined my fort...

Governor Swann: Your fort? It's _my_ fort, thank you.

Norrington: You are a figurehead. I run this place.

_The Governor pouts._

Governor Swann: We'll discuss this later.

Norrington: Anyway, the pirates left Sparrow locked up in his cell. They're not his allies.

Will: Your point...?

Norrington: Sparrow's enemies would hardly tell him where they are going. We, on the other hand, will establish their most likely course...

_Will slams his hatchet through the map, where it sticks in the table._

Mapmaker: No... My beautiful map... ruined...

Will: Oh, fabulous! You're going to just randomly sail around the ocean. That sounds effective.

Norrington: Will, you suck. I mean, you are a blacksmith. And you're also my competition, so I hate you. Go away.

_Norrington pulls the hatchet out of the table and hands it to Will._

Norrington: And you'll be paying for that table.

Mapmaker: And the map!

Will: Whatever.

_Will leaves, and goes to visit Jack. Jack hears Will coming and acts like he was not just picking the lock. The chicken bone in the lock should've been a dead giveaway, but Will has other things on his mind._

Will: You, Sparrow.

Jack: Didn't the guard tell you visiting hours are over?

Will: What guard? Oh, you mean that corpse in the corner?

Jack: Oh. Never mind, then. What do you want?

Will: Are you familiar with the ship, the _Black Pearl_?

Jack: Maybe.

Will: Where does it make berth?

Jack: Isla de Muerta.

Will: Where's that?

Jack: Somewhere.

Will: A little more specificity would be helpful.

Jack: It's an island that cannot be found, except by those who already know where it is.

Will: That doesn't make any sense.

Jack: I didn't write the story, I just say the lines.

Will: Well, the ship's real enough, and its cannonballs are real enough. And whatever hit me over the head was real enough. The ship's anchorage must be a real place.

Jack: You don't say.

Will: Where is it?

Jack: How should I know?

Will: Because you're a pirate.

Jack: Oh! And you'd like to become my apprentice?

Will: Not even sort of.

_Pause._

Will: They took Elizabeth.

Jack: Oh, so you have found yourself a girl after all! She must be desperate. Well, if you're hoping to valiantly rescue her and sweep her off your feet, you're on your own. Why should I help you?

Will: Would a bribe help?

Jack: Depends. What kind of a bribe?

Will: I can get you out of here.

Jack: How's that? Magic?

Will: These are half pin-barrel hinges. With the right leverage and the proper application of strength, the door will lift free.

Jack: So, magic?

Will: Yeah, sure.

Jack: What's your name?

Will: Will Turner.

Jack: Will? I suppose that'd be short for William. Good strong, name. German in origin. Means "resolute guardian", bet you didn't know that.

Will: Um...

Jack: Named for your father?

Will: Yeah, but how would you know that?

Jack: I'm just that awesome. Anyhoo, I've changed me mind. If you magically rescue me, I promise I'll take you to the _Black Pearl_, and your bonnie lass.

Will: Promise?

Jack: Cross my heart and hope to die.

Will: I wish.

Jack: Do we have an accord?

_Will hesitates a moment, then extends his hand. Jack reaches through the cell, and the two men shake hands._

Jack: Now get me out of here!

_Will picks up a bench and uses it as a lever to spring the cell door from its hinges._

Jack: At last! Sweet freedom!

Will: Yeah, that's great, now let's get the heck out of here before someone decides to investigate the suspiciously loud crash they just heard.

Jack: Without my hat? I think not.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	10. Commandeering the Commodore's Command

**Comandeering the Commodore's Command**

_Jack and Will are spying on the ships in the bay from around the corner of the building._

Will: What are we doing here?

Jack: We're going to comandeer a ship.

Will: You mean steal it?

Jack: No, comandeer it. I just said that.

Will: I have a feeling comandeer is just a fancy word for steal.

Jack: Pessimist.

_Will pouts._

Jack: Just one question. This lady. How far are you willing to go for her?

Will: I'd die for her!

Jack: Good to know.

_Jack and Will take a canoe upside down under the water so they have a pocket of air as they walk along the bottom of the ocean towards the Dauntless._

Will: I saw on Mythbusters that this isn't actually physically possible.

Jack: Shut up and stop being so analytical. If it weren't physically possible, we'd hardly be doing it, now, would we? Besides, there's no such thing as Mythbusters yet.

Will: You're crazy.

Jack: No, I'm brilliant.

_Jack and Will climb up the side of the Dauntless and board the ship. Jack pulls out his pistol and Will draws his sword. Jack shouts to Gillette and some other sailors who are standing on the ship's deck._

Jack: Everyone, stay calm! We're taking over the ship!

Will: Aye, avast!

Jack: Never, ever, say that again. I'm ashamed to be seen with you in public.

Will: It sounded piratey when I thought it.

Jack: Then stop thinking and just stand there.

_Gillette and the sailors are laughing at Jack and Will._

Jack: What are you suckers laughing at?

Gillette: This ship cannot be crewed by two men! Even the illustrious Commodore Norrington needs help to sail it. You'll never make it out of the bay.

_Jack holds his pistol up to Gillette's head and cocks it._

Jack: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow. Kapeish?

Gillette: Mommy...!

_Norrington is standing on shore with some of his officers. Groves notices Gillette and some sailors in a small rowboat. Gillette is shouting and waving his arms._

Groves: Commodore, sir, I think Gillette needs help.

Norrington: I know he needs help. But if his psychiatrist can't give it to him, I'm sure I can't.

Groves: No, sir, I mean he's in trouble. Look.

_Norrington looks for his spyglass but can't find it. He steals Groves' spyglass and sees Gillette waving his arms like a deranged chicken trying to fly._

Gillette: They're taking your ship, sir! Sparrow and Turner - they're taking the _Dauntless_!

Norrington: Useless Gillette. He couldn't even defend a ship against a pirate and a blacksmith? Why on Earth do I keep him around?

Groves: Because he's your third cousin, sir, and you promised his mother-

Norrington: Don't remind me. I can't imagine how he failed to defend a ship against a pirate and a blacksmith… I'm not sure who sucks worse, Gillette or that pirate. Time to arrest Sparrow. Again.

_Norrington and his men get in rowboats and head out towards the Dauntless._

Will: They're coming for us... and the Commodore is not going to be happy...

Jack: Exactly.

_Gillette shouts to his men in the rowboat._

Gillette: Turn around, turn around! I have to impress… I mean, help the Commodore!

_Norrington and his men board the Dauntless._

Norrington: Search every nook and cranny! Every cubbyhole, even in the secret cargo hold!

Groves: We have a secret cargo hold?

Norrington: Uhh...

_Norrington is saved an awkward explanation when he notices Jack and Will swinging over to the Interceptor._

Norrington: (profanity)

_Gillette's evil twin makes an attempt at impressing the Commodore by performing a daring swinging stunt, but misses the Interceptor and splashes into the water. Some sailors fire their rifles at Jack and Will, but their aim is off by about 180 degrees._

Jack: Thank you, Commodore, for falling for our little trick! Be sure to give my compliments to a certain Lieutenant Gillette, we couldn't have done it without him!

Norrington: Turn around and get them within range of my awesome cannons!

Helmsman Joe: He broke the steering wheel, sir!

Norrington: What?

Helmsman Joe: Yeah!

_The Dauntless is heading straight for Gillette's little rowboat._

Gillette: AAAH! Abandon ship, abandon ship!

_No kidding._

_The sailors abandon ship. Two seconds later, the Dauntless crushes the rowboat to smithereens. Gillette is practically in tears over losing the first ship he ever commanded._

_On board the Dauntless, Norrington and Groves stand watching Jack sail away with the Interceptor._

Groves: Dang, he's good.

_Norrington is not at all in the mood to hear this._

Norrington: Say that again and I'll demote you lower than Gillette.

_Groves is genuinely surprised._

Groves: You mean that's possible?

Norrington: Well, I could fire you.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	11. Drunk Turtles

**Drunk Turtles**

_Jack and Will are on board the Interceptor. Will is sharpening his sword._

Will: When I was growing up back in England, my mother raised me by herself. After she died, I came out here, looking for my father.

Jack: How nice for you.

Will: My father. Will Turner. Ring any bells?

Jack: Don't hear any.

Will: You only agreed to help me after you learned my name. And you guessed my father's name too.

Jack: It's the same name, so it wasn't that hard.

Will: You knew my father.

Jack: Not only did I know him, I knew all his aliases too. William Turner, Bill Turner, Bootstrap, Bootstrap Bill…

Will: Bootstrap?

Jack: Yep. Very piratey, don't you think? He was top-notch. I must say, you look just like him.

Will: No!

Jack: Yes, you do. Don't you ever look in a mirror?

Will: I mean, he wasn't a pirate. He was a merchant sailor. An honest man who obeyed the law.

Jack: Lies.

Will: My father was not a pirate!

_Will draws his sword._

Jack: Are you for real? Don't you remember what happened last time?

Will: You got arrested.

Jack: No, before that. I was owning you.

Will: You were not.

Jack: I were too!

_Jack's English teacher is turning in her grave._

Will: Only because you're a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. I'd kill you in a fair fight.

Jack: If that's the case, I'm just going to cheat again.

_While Will attempts to decipher this, Jack spins the wheel and the beam catches Will so that he is dangling over the ocean._

Jack: Will, chillax for a second and just listen. Your father was a pirate, so deal with it. As for me, I'm not a huge fan of eunuchs, but I need you so I'm stuck with you. Kapeish?

Will: Kapeish.

Jack: So...

_Jack swings the beam back around and Will falls on his butt._

Jack: Can you at least pretend to trust me?

Will: If I must.

_Some time passes. Jack and Will are walking through the streets of Tortuga._

Jack: I feel sorry for any man who has never set foot in this beautiful city that is Tortuga, kapeish? What do you think?

Will: I think we'll be lucky to get out of here alive.

Jack: I'll tell you, mate, if every town in the world were like this one, no man would ever be sober.

Will: I don't doubt it.

_Jack sees two women approaching._

Jack: Scarlett!

_Scarlett slaps Jack._

Jack: Crazy lady! What was that for?

_The other woman approaches._

Jack: Giselle!

Giselle: Who was she?

Jack: Who was who?

_Giselle slaps Jack._

Jack: Okay, I might have deserved that one.

_Will and Jack find Gibbs sleeping with pigs. Jack chucks a bucket of water at Gibbs._

Gibbs: What the heck, you idiot! Holy crap... Jack! Don't you know better than to wake a man when he's sleepin'? It's bad luck.

Will: When else would you wake a man?

Jack: Don't confuse yourself. Anyway, I know how to counter it. The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink, and the man who was formerly sleeping but now is awake listens to a proposition form the man who did the waking.

Gibbs: Huh?

Jack: Never mind. Just follow me.

_Will chucks a bucket of water at Gibbs._

Gibbs: Gosh dang it! I'm already awake!

Will: That was for the smell.

Gibbs: Oh, good point.

_They enter a tavern._

Jack: Will, stand over here and watch the door.

Will: Why?

Jack: Because I said so.

Will: What am I supposed to be watching for? Drunk guys?

Jack: Don't be a smart aleck. Just watch the door.

_Jack and Gibbs sit down at a table._

Gibbs: Okay, what do you want?

Jack: I'm going after the _Black Pearl_.

_Gibbs nearly falls off his chair, though he's careful not to spill his drink._

Gibbs: That's crazy, even for you! You've heard the stories!

Jack: Yeah, so I know exactly what I'm up against. All I need is a crew.

Gibbs: Oh, yeah, that sounds reasonable. "Captain Barbossa, can I please, please, please have my ship back?" "Oh, my bad. Here you go."

Jack: I'm not that stupid. I'm going to make a deal with him. It's just a matter of proper leverage.

_Will hears this, but doesn't let on._

Gibbs: Huh?

_Jack gives himself whiplash. Finally Gibbs gets the picture._

Gibbs: The kid?

Jack: Bingo. That's the only child of Bootstrap Bill Turner.

Gibbs: For real? Wow, okay. Nice job. I'll find us a crew. There's gotta be some idiots on this rock dumb enough to join.

Jack: Or at least drunk enough. Take what you can...

Gibbs: ...give nothing back!

_They seal the bargain by banging their mugs. Gibbs spills his drink down his shirt._

Gibbs: Dang...

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	12. I was Supposed to Know it was Cursed?

**How was I Supposed to Know it was Cursed?**

_Elizabeth is locked up all alone. Ragetti and Pintel come into the room, carrying a dress._

Pintel: You'll be dinin' with the captain, and he wants you to wear this.

_Pintel holds out the dress._

Elizabeth: It's ugly, so you may tell the captain that I am disinclined to aquiest to his request.

Pintel: The captain, bein' precognitive an' all, knew you'd say that, and he said to tell you that if that be the case, you'll be dinin' with the crew, and you'll be naked.

_Elizabeth snatches the dress from Pintel._

Pintel: Fine.

_Ragetti and Pintel leave, pouting._

_Elizabeth and Barbossa sit down to dinner at a large table. Food is laid out and everything looks very formal. Elizabeth begins to eat like a starving cave man._

Barbossa: Don't you have any manners?

_Elizabeth starts eating in a more proper way. Barbossa offers her a goblet of wine._

Barbossa: Try the wine.

_Elizabeth tries the wine. Barbossa offers her an apple._

Barbossa: And the apples, one of those next.

_Elizabeth suddenly stops eating._

Elizabeth: It's poisoned.

Barbossa: Poisoned apples, really? That was so Snow White.

Elizabeth: Then let me go. You have the medallion, what more do you want?

_Barbossa holds up the medallion._

Barbossa: Do you know what this is?

Elizabeth: Well, duh. It's the medallion I gave you.

_Barbossa rolls his eyes._

Barbossa: I know that. Work with me, huh? To make a long story short, Cortes ticked off the wrong Aztec gods, and they put a curse on the gold he stole. So now anyone else who tries to steal it gets cursed too.

Elizabeth: Baloney.

Barbossa: Yeah, I wish. Anyway, this treasure was supposed to be hidden. But we found it, and stole it, and spent it. Then we figured out, oops, the Aztecs weren't kidding. We are cursed men.

_The monkey starts freaking out over in the corner. Barbossa rolls his eyes and turns to the monkey._

Barbossa: Cursed men AND monkeys. There, are you happy now?

_The monkey calms down. Elizabeth hides a butter knife in her lap before Barbossa looks back at her. Barbossa turns back to Elizabeth._

Barbossa: Where was I? Oh, yes. We are cursed men-and-monkey. There is only one way to end the curse. Guess what it is.

Elizabeth: I give up.

Barbossa: We must return every single piece of stolen gold, and pay a blood sacrifice. Thanks to you, we've got all the pieces.

Elizabeth: And the blood sacrifice?

Barbossa: Bingo.

_Elizabeth pulls out the knife and stabs Barbossa in the chest. Barbossa rolls his eyes at her, and pulls the knife out of his chest._

Barbossa: Didn't you listen?

Elizabeth: Uhh...

_Elizabeth runs out onto the deck, and sees all the pirates looking like zombie skeletons. She runs around trying to avoid them, finally hiding under a staircase. Then the cursed monkey shows up and scares her away and she runs into Barbossa._

Barbossa: Check it out. The moonlight makes us look freakishly awesome. We're not living, so we can't exactly die, but we're not dead, hence the walking around and stuff. It's really an unfortunate conundrum. Can't feel anything either, which is lame.

_Barbossa reaches a hand out towards Elizabeth to demonstrate the wonders of CGI._

Barbossa: How's that for baloney?

_Barbossa takes a bottle of wine and pulls the cork out with his teeth. Then he proceeds to drink the wine so it falls through his ribcage to the ground. Elizabeth runs and hides. Barbossa and his crew laugh._

Barbossa: What? Haven't you ever seen a perfectly normal man turn into a decaying skeletal zombie before? Get back to work.

**

* * *

**Revised edition 2011!


	13. A Not Very AbleMinded crew

**An Able-Bodied (But not Necessarily Able-_Minded_) Crew**

_Jack walks along a line of mismatched men, apparently the crew Gibbs has recruited. For some reason Jack is carrying a watermelon._

Gibbs: Check it out, Captain. All of them faithful hands and every one of them worth his salt. Hope you don't mind if they're a little... er... crazy.

Will: Are you serious? _This_ is your crew?

_Jack stops in front of one of the men._

Jack: You, sailor!

Gibbs: Cotton, sir.

Jack: Mr. Cotton, are you a pansy?

Gibbs: Uhh... he insulted the wrong guy, so he had his tongue cut out as punishment. He trained the parrot to talk for him.

Will: How?

Gibbs: Don't look at me.

Will: Why would I want to?

Jack: Mr. Cotton's parrot, same question.

Parrot: Do I _look_ like a pansy to you? Huh?

Gibbs: Uhh... mostly we figure that means yes.

Jack: Well of course it does!

_Jack turns to Will._

Jack: Happy now?

Will: Not in the slightest.

Anamaria: And what's in it for me?

_Jack pulls Anamaria's hat off, immediately doing a Ronald McDonald impression and putting on a happy face._

Jack: Anamaria!

Anamaria: Jack!

_Anamaria slaps Jack across the face._

Jack: OW!

Will: You're such a victim, aren't you?

Jack: Uhh... no, that one I deserved.

Anamaria: Heck yes. You stole my boat!

Jack: Well, technically I…

_Anamaria slaps Jack again._

Jack: Technically, I comandeered it. But I was going to give it back.

Anamaria: But you didn't!

Jack: At least I didn't blow it up.

_Anamaria tries to slap Jack again, but he catches her hand and laughs. She slaps him with her other hand._

Jack: You'll get another one!

Anamaria: I better.

Will: A better one!

Jack: Yeah! What he said.

_Will points to the interceptor._

Will: How about that one?

Jack: What one?

Will: _That_ one.

Jack: Will, stop helping so much.

Anamaria: Well...?

Jack: Okay, okay, fine! That one!

_The whole crew shouts an enthusiastic "aye!"_

Parrot: Come on, come on, let's get this show on the road.

_The crew runs off to their posts. Gibbs pulls Jack aside._

Gibbs: Are you crazy?

Jack: Do you really have to ask?

Gibbs: It's bad luck to bring a woman aboard, especially that one.

Jack: Don't worry about it. I got this.

_Jack gives the sky a weird look._

Gibbs:What are you looking at?

Jack: The sky. Duh.

Gibbs: Oh. Right. What's with the watermelon?

Jack: Wouldn't you like to know.

_Later that night, a violent storm breaks on the sea. Will struggles to hold down a rope against the wind and rain._

Will: This is insane! How can we sail to an island that nobody can find with a compass that doesn't work?

Gibbs: The compass doesn't point North. But we're not trying to find North, are we?

Will: We don't know where we're trying to find!

_Gibbs shouts to Jack._

Gibbs: We should drop the canvas, sir!

Jack: She'll hold a bit longer!

Gibbs: What the heck is making you so confident all of the sudden?

Jack: Remember that watermelon?

Gibbs: Yeah…

Jack: Exactly.

Gibbs: (perplexed face)

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	14. Why Jack is the Way he Is

**An Attempt at Explaining Why Jack is the Way he Is... (As if That's Possible)**

_Jack and his crew sail into a creepy lagoon._

Parrot: Well, ain't this just sunny and cheery.

Gibbs: Shut up. People die here.

_Will watches as Jack messes around with his compass, which is not pointing north. Then Will goes over to Gibbs._

Will: What's up with the compass?

Gibbs: Good question. Nobody really knows much about Jack Sparrow before he showed up in Tortuga with plans to sail to the Isla de Muerta for the Aztec treasure back when he was captain of the _Pearl_.

Will: Captain of the _Pearl_? He conveniently forgot to mention that to me.

Gibbs: Well, duh. He's learned his lesson by now not to go handing out secrets like candy. Last time he did that his first mate led a mutiny and ditched him on some desert island.

Will: Oh, so that's the reason for all the...

_Will does an impression of Jack's stwaggering loopiness._

Gibbs: You do Jack even better than he does!

_Will bows with a flourish and sits down._

Gibbs: Anyway, when a pirate gets ditched, he's left with a pistol and one shot. Which is useless, unless you want to shoot yourself, which obviously Jack didn't do. He plans to shoot his mutinous first mate Barbossa instead.

Will: So how did Jack get off that island?

Gibbs: I picked him up in my seaplane.

Will: What's a seaplane?

Gibbs: I have no idea. I just made that up, anyway. What really happened was, Jack went out and stood in the water until all kinds of creatures gathered around. Then he roped a couple of sea turtles and made a raft.

Will: Sea turtles?

Gibbs: Yep. Sea turtles.

Will: What did he use for rope?

_Jack appears out of thin air._

Jack: Human hair. From my back.

_Jack yells to the crew._

Jack: Let go of the anchor!

_The crew lets go of the anchor, and it lands with a splash, rocking the ship and nearly tipping it over._

Jack: Will and I are going ashore.

Will: We are?

Jack: Surprise!

Gibbs: But what if the worst should happen?

Jack: You mean if we run out of rum?

Gibbs: No, I mean what if one of you dies?

Jack: You know the rules.

Gibbs: Gotcha.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	15. Apples, Parsley, and Mayonaise

**Apples, Parsley, and Mayonaise**

_Barbossa and his crew are in the cave on the Isla de Muerta, unloading all kinds of shiny things._

Pintel: How long has it been since we've been hoarding all this stuff? Only ten years?

Ragetti: And now we can finally spend it!

Pintel: Yeah, and you can get a real eye so I don't have to listen to you whine about it anymore.

Ragetti: What? It itches.

Pintel: Don't rub it.

_Ragetti and Pintel dump out a trunk that is full of ladies' dresses._

Ragetti: Ooh, pretty.

_Bo'sun walks by and rolls his eyes._

_Jack and Will are in a rowboat, heading towards the island cave. Will notices a skeleton._

Will: What are these rules Gibbs is supposed to follow if one of us dies?

Jack: Pirates' Code. Any man who falls behind is left behind.

Will: No heroes amongst theives, eh?

Jack: More like survival of the fittest. Who needs suckers anyway?

Will: Well, that's not very nice.

Jack: You know, for thinking pirates such suckers, you're well on your way to becoming one. Let's see, you've sprung a man from jail…

Will: Only because you agreed to help me find Elizabeth!

Jack: ...comandeered a ship of the fleet…

Will: Only so I'd be able to reach Elizabeth!

Jack: ...sailed with a buccaneer crew out of Tortuga…

Will: Only because you promised they'd help me rescue Elizabeth!

_Will and Jack both turn to gape at the glittery gold coins at the bottom of the water._

Jack: ...and you're completely obsessed with treasure.

Will: Am not!

Jack: Not that kind of treasure. And would you please shut up about Elizabeth once in a while? It's getting annoying.

_Barbossa is standing up in front of his crew._

Barbossa: This is it, folks. Now or never!

Elizabeth: I vote never.

Barbossa: Shut up. You don't get to vote. Susan B. Anthony hasn't even been born yet.

Elizabeth: Who was she?

Pintel: Is she hot?

Barbossa: Shut up. We have more important things to be worrying about, isn't that right? We're here to return this medallion to its proper place, and end this cursed curse forever!

Will: So do we attack now?

Jack: Not yet. We must wait for the opportune moment.

Will: Which is when? When it will be of most benefit to you?

Jack: You wound me. Have I ever given you reason not to trust me?

Will: Shall I list them alphabetically or chronologically?

Jack: Stop talking and try not to do anything stupid.

Will: Define "stupid".

Jack: Anything involving the phrase, "Aye, avast."

Barbossa: So now the lady gets to pay back the blood sacrifice!

Elizabeth: Don't I get a say in this?

Barbossa: Shut up, I'm not finished with my speech.

Elizabeth: Screw your speech. It's long and boring anyways.

Barbossa: Want to know the first thing I'm going to do once the curse is lifted?

Elizabeth: No.

Barbossa: I'm going to eat a whole bushel of apples!

Elizabeth: Better make sure you have your Pepto Bismol handy.

_Barbossa picks up a knife._

Barbossa: And now for the blood...!

_Will hits Jack with an oar. Jack's face is priceless as he sees the oar coming towards him, then he falls to the ground unconcious._

Will: Sucks to be you.

_Barbossa cuts Elizabeth's palm with the knife._

Elizabeth: That's it?

Barbossa: What, you wanted me to do more? I can if you want. Just say the word.

Elizabeth: Never mind.

_Barbossa presses the medallion into Elizabeth's blood, then drops it into the chest with the other 881 pieces. Then he and the pirates all stand back and wait._

Koehler: Did it work?

Ragetti: I don't feel no different.

_Barbossa's eyeroll should win some sort of award. He shoots Pintel._

Ragetti: You're not dead?

Pintel: No, really. Hey... you shot me! What was that for?

Barbossa: You never paid up from that last time I beat you in poker, remember?

Pintel: Oh, yeah...

Ragetti: It didn't work!

Twigg: The curse is still upon us!

Barbossa: You, girl, what was your father's name? Was your father William Turner?

Elizabeth: Nope.

_Barbossa backhands her and she falls down. The medallion lands next to her. Bo'sun blames Ragetti and Pintel. Will comes up to Elizabeth and leads her away. She grabs the medallion and goes with Will._

Bo'sun: You two! You brought us the wrong person!

Ragetti: Oh, so now it's our fault?

Bo'sun: It's always your fault.

Twigg: You brought us here for nothing!

Barbossa: Shut up!

Monkey: Captain Barbossa, sir!

_The monkey salutes, very military-style._

Monkey: We have a situation, sir. The girl has taken the medallion. I repeat, the girl has taken the medallion.

Barbossa: She's taken the medallion! After her, you suckers!

Bo'sun: Dang it, where are the oars?

Barbossa: Well, aliens didn't take them.

_Jack wakes up suddenly, making a mental note to invent asprin for situations such as this. Jack stands up and faces the pirates of his former crew._

Jack: Oh hey. Fancy seeing you here.

Ragetti: You!

Jack: What about me?

Pintel: You're supposed to be dead!

Jack: You're supposed to not commit mutiny.

_The pirates point pistols at Jack._

Jack: Parsley!

_Pause._

Jack: Parsnip? Partner? Uh... Paralegal? Paraphrase, paragon... um, parallel parking...

Ragetti: Parlay?

Jack: Yeah! What he said!

Pintel: I swear I'm gonna kill you, Ragetti.

Ragetti: Haha, you can't. We're still cursed!

Pintel: What nerd had the time to sit around and invent parlay anyway?

Jack: That would be the French. Same nerds who invented mayonaise.

Pintel: I love mayonaise!

Ragetti: I love nerds!

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	16. Something Up Jack's Sleeve, His Arm

**Jack's Got Something Up His Sleeve... Or Is That Just His Arm?**

_Will drags Elizabeth aboard the Interceptor._

Elizabeth: Oh crap. Not more pirates.

Gibbs: Fine, thanks. How are you?

Elizabeth: Mr. Gibbs?

Gibbs: Hey, Will, where's Jack?

Will: He fell on his behind.

Gibbs: Huh?

Will: Uh, I mean, he fell behind.

_Will leads Elizabeth away._

Gibbs: If Jack fell on his behind, I have a feeling Will tripped him. But I guess we better keep to the code anyway.

Anamaria: Anchors aweigh!

_Back in the cave..._

Barbossa: When I marooned you I had kinda hoped you wouldn't show up again.

Jack: When you marooned me on that sucker island, you forgot one very important thing.

Barbossa: Don't tell me. Let me guess... I gave you a cannon?

Jack: Nope.

Barbossa: Uh... you had a ship?

Jack: Nope.

Barbossa: The crew went with you?

Jack: Wrong again.

Barbossa: I give up.

Jack: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!

Barbossa: Oh. Well, now I know not to forget that. The crew hasn't forgotten either, have they? Gents... kill 'im.

_The pirates cock their pistols._

Jack: The girl's blood didn't work, did it?

Barbossa: No duh. I suppose this is the part where you tell me you have information that I need in order to keep me from killing you?

Jack: Heck yes.

_Aboard the Interceptor, Elizabeth sits near Will, trying to bandage her hand._

Elizabeth: What kind of jerk trades a man's life for a boat?

Will: Ship, and a pirate does. Here, let me help.

_Will bandages Elizabeth's hand._

Will: You said you gave Barbossa my name as yours. Why?

Elizabeth: I don't know, wishful thinking I guess. OW! Dang it!

Will: Oops. My bad. Blacksmith's hands, I know they're rough.

Elizabeth: No... I mean, yes. I mean... uh...

_Elizabeth pulls off the medallion and hands it to Will._

Elizabeth: Here. It's yours.

Will: I thought I lost this the day I was rescued... What did you want with it?

Elizabeth: I didn't want Norrington to hang you for piracy.

Will: I am not a pirate.

Elizabeth: Then isn't it a good thing I made sure Norrington didn't think you were?

Will: It wasn't your blood they needed... It was my father's blood... my blood... the blood of a pirate...

Elizabeth: So you _are_ a pirate? Now I'm confused.

_Will pounds the table. Elizabeth makes a hasty exit._

_Barbossa and Jack are chillin' in Barbossa's cabin._

Barbossa: So... you plan to leave me standing on some beach with nothing but a name and your word it's the one I need, and watch you sail away on my ship?

Jack: Not even close. I expect to leave you standing on some sucker sandpit with no name at all, because I'm going to steal your social security number and max out your credit cards. Then I'll sail away on _my_ ship and I'll shout a false name back to you. Kapeish?

Barbossa: There's still a problem.

Jack: I don't see any probem.

Barbossa: There's still the problem of me being ditched somewhere with only a false name and your word it's not a burned alias.

Jack: Let's examine this, shall we?

Barbossa: I don't suppose I can stop you now that you've got your heart set on it.

Jack: There are two kinds of people in this world. One, people who suck and commit mutiny and therefore cannot be trusted. Two, people who are awesome and haven't commited mutiny. Since I am the only one of us who falls into the latter category, we'll be trusting my word. Though… if you hadn't marooned me on that island I'd be stuck with that curse like you suckers. Funny, huh?

Barbossa: Hilarious.

Jack: Apple?

_Bo'sun walks in._

Bo'sun: We approach the _Interceptor_.

_Barbossa walks up topside. He takes out his spyglass and looks at the Interceptor. Jack pops up in front of the spyglass._

Jack: Lightbulb! How about I go over to the _Interceptor_ and negotiate the stealing back of the cool shiny thing? Win-win, right?

Barbossa: Your last lightbulb moment got you marooned. Go to the brig.

_Bo'sun takes Jack away. Barbossa takes Jack's apple and looks at it. Then he chucks it at the Interceptor._

Barbossa: Take that, stupid boat!

_The apple splooshes into the water a few feet away._

Barbossa: Dang. I missed.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	17. The ShootOut

**The Shoot-Out**

_On board the Interceptor, the crew members are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. In their frenzy, they accidentally do cut a chicken's head off, and it runs around like the crew members._

Elizabeth: What is going on here?

Anamaria: The _Black Pearl_ is catching up to us.

Elizabeth: I thought this was supposed to be the fastest ship in the Caribbean.

Anamaria: Maybe you'd like to reevaluate.

Elizabeth: We're shallow on the draft, right?

Anamaria: Now how would you know that?

Elizabeth: I saw the blueprints. Anyway, we can lose them in those shoals.

Gibbs: Whatever shoals are.

Anamaria: Lighten the ship, stem to stern!

Gibbs: All the worthless stuff gets chucked!

_Several crew members attempt to throw Gibbs overboard._

Gibbs: Not me, you idiots! The cargo!

_On the Black Pearl, Bo'sun locks Jack in a cell that is full of water._

Jack: You haven't been taking very good care of my ship, have you?

Bo'sun: Shut up. It's not your ship.

Barbossa: Bring out the cannons!

_The cannons are brought out and the Jolly Roger is hoisted._

_On the Interceptor, cargo is being chucked overboard. Will watches the Black Pearl as its cannons and oars are brought out. He stops a cannon from being chucked overboard._

Will: We're gonna need that real badly in a couple minutes.

Anamaria: It was a good idea. "Was", being past tense.

Will: We'll fight them! Load the cannons!

Anamaria: With what?

Will: Anything!

Gibbs: Nails and broken stuff! Load the cannons! With a will!

_Several crew members attempt to stuff Will in the cannon._

Gibbs: Not _Will_, you idiots!

_The crew members load the cannons with forks, knives, and assorted stuff, including Gibbs' canteen. Gibbs actually doesn't notice, because he is too busy worrying about what the Black Pearl is doing._

Gibbs: We're screwed...

Elizabeth: Lower the anchor on the right side!

Anamaria: Huh?

Elizabeth: Sorry, I meant starboard. Lower the anchor on the starboard side!

Will: Well, at least they won't be expecting it.

Anamaria: You're both crazy.

Gibbs: So is everyone in this movie. Don't judge. Lower the starboard anchor, you suckers, or we'll stuff you in the cannons!

_Anamaria seems determined to pretend that she still is in control, and hangs onto the ship's steering wheel._

Elizabeth: Are you for real? Let it go!

_Anamaria lets go in surprise, and jumps back as the wheel spins wildly, nearly knocking her unconcious. The ship swings around, presenting its left side to the Black Pearl._

_On the Black Pearl, the pirates are quite surprised._

Barbossa: What the heck...? Hard to port!

_The Black Pearl turns to present its side to the Interceptor. The two ships are now side-by-side._

Barbossa: Fire at Will!

_The pirates comply. Will ducks for cover._

Elizabeth: Fire!

_The two ships fire at each other. In Jack's cell, a cannon ball blows through the wall._

Jack: Not that I have anything against swiss cheese, but the holes have got to stop.

_Jack finds Gibbs' canteen and tries to get a drink from it, but it's empty._

Jack: That sucks.

_Jack notices that the cannon ball blew the cell's door open, and he leaves._

_On the Interceptor, things are not going well._

Gibbs: Hey, Elizabeth, what's plan C?

Elizabeth: I dunno. Your turn.

_Anamaria holds her gun to Elizabeth's face._

Anamaria: We'll give 'em her!

Gibbs: Why?

Anamaria: Cuz I don't like her. And she's what they're after, isn't she?

Will: No, it's…

Elizabeth: The medallion!

Will: Why do you always have to interrupt me?

Elizabeth: Just go look for it.

_Will jumps up and runs below deck to search for the medallion._

Barbossa: Yes! We're winning! Prepare to board!

_Grapple hooks are thrown onto the Interceptor, and pirates from the Black Pearl start to swing across to the Interceptor._

Barbossa: Some of you, blow the powder magazine. Everyone else, after the medallion! If anyone gets in your way, make them wish they hadn't!

_A mast falls over the door to the below deck area, and Will is trapped._

Will: Hey! A little help here?

_Jack steals a rope from a random sailor. The sailor falls on his face on the deck._

Jack: Thanks very much.

_Jack swings over to the Interceptor._

Gibbs: Jack!

_Jack hands him the canteen._

Jack: You really ougtta refill your canteen once and a while.

_Elizabeth is engaged in a fight with a pirate. The pirate swings a sword at her, but Jack catches his hand to stop him._

Jack: Is that any way to treat a lady?

_Jack knocks the pirate into the water._

Jack: Now, Elizabeth, where is the medallion?

Elizabeth: Is that all you care about?

_She tries to slap him, but Jack catches her hand._

Jack: And where is dear William?

Elizabeth: Oh, crap, I knew I was forgetting something.

_Elizabeth tries to move the mast and rescue Will, but she's too scrawny and the mast is too heavy._

Elizabeth: I can't move it! Hey, Jack, get your sorry butt over here and make yourself useful!

_Jack stands up to help her, but then chases the monkey with the medallion instead._

Elizabeth: Sorry, Will, looks like you're outta options…

_Jack follows the monkey across a fallen mast to the Black Pearl. He almost catches the monkey, but the monkey reaches Barbossa. Barbossa takes the medallion from the monkey._

Barbossa: Why, thank you, Jack.

Jack: You're quite welcome.

Barbossa: Not you, sucker. We named the monkey Jack.

_Jack makes a face at Barbossa. Barbossa ignores him, and turns to his crew._

Barbossa: Yay!

_The pirates all cheer._

_Meanwhile, Will is still trapped below deck. _

Will: This sucks.

_He struggles to escape as the area fills with water. A pirate ignites the gunpowder in the powder magazine..._

_

* * *

_

Revised edition 2011!


	18. Barbossa Heart Crooked Negotiations

**Barbossa Heart Crooked Negotiations**

_Everyone from the Interceptor is tied up on the Black Pearl._

Pintel: If any of you so much as thinks the word parlay, I'll use my psychic gift for telepathy to find out, and then I'll rip out your spleen and beat you to death with it!

Ragetti: What's a spleen?

Interceptor: (explodes)

_Sucks for Will._

Elizabeth: Will!

_Whoever it was that tied up Elizabeth should be sacked, because she manages to get free of the ropes and attack Barbossa. Barbossa is surprisingly displeased with this behavior, and turns her over to the crew. Will magically appears._

Barbossa: I'm really gonna have to work on my methods of killing people…

Will: She goes free!

Barbossa: What's in your head, boy?

Jack: Nothing! Absolutely nothing!

Will: Jack, stop helping so much. Elizabeth goes free.

_Will aims the pistol at Barbossa._

Barbossa: (mimicking a girly voice) Oh, dear, the scary man's got a pistol! (resuming his normal voice) Too bad we can't die, sucker.

Jack: Don't do anything stupid!

_Will aims the pistol at his own head._

Will: I'll shoot myself!

Jack: You've got to be freaking kidding me.

Barbossa: Go for it. Who the heck are you anyway?

Jack: Nobody! Just some random hobo I picked up off the street. Some third cousin of someone's uncle's aunt... twice removed. Lovely singing voice though. Eunuch.

Will: I am Will Turner, the only son of Bootstrap Bill Turner.

_Jack laughs nervously._

Jack: He is not, he only thinks he is. He... uh... suffers from... paranoid schizophrenia.

Ragetti: He's the spittin' image of old Bootstrap Bill! Come back to haunt us!

Pintel: Shut up, Bootstrap wasn't that old. And I wouldn't say "spitting image", exactly…

Will: Do as I say or I swear I'll pull this trigger and be lost to Davy Jones' locker!

Jack: And wouldn't that be a pity, so if you'll kindly…

Barbossa: Name your terms…

Jack: I want a…

Barbossa: ...Mr. Turner.

Jack: Oh...

Will: Elizabeth goes free!

Barbossa: Yeah. You said that already. Is that it?

Will: And the crew. Don't hurt them.

Barbossa: Well, duh, I'd hardly want to kill my crew. Most of them anyways...

Will: Not _your_ crew.

Barbossa: Oh. Anything else?

_Will looks around. Jack points to himself, but Will seems not to notice. Jack builds a neon sign, but Will still ignores him._

Will: Nope. That's it.

Barbossa: Sounds good. Agreed.

Jack: Eff.

**

* * *

**Revised edition 2011!


	19. Marooned no, not the color

**Marooned (No, Not the Color)**

_Elizabeth is walking the plank._

Pintel: Go on, Poppet, go! Walk the plank!

Will: Barbossa, you liar! You swore she'd go free!

Barbossa: Yep. And she is, isn't she? Maybe not where you had in mind, but since you failed to specify, I took the liberty of deciding upon a place.

_Pirates put duct tape over Will's mouth._

Barbossa: Oh, and before you go, I'll be having that dress back. I payed good money for it.

Ragetti: Actually, he stole it.

_Elizabeth takes the dress off and throws it at Barbossa._

Elizabeth: It's maroon. To go with what my situation will be.

Barbossa: How clever. Now walk.

_Elizabeth has every intention of doing this, but then a lost seagull runs into her and knocks her into the water. Now it's Jack's turn to walk the plank._

Jack: Haha! Fooled you!

Barbossa: What now?

Jack: I really had you going, thinking I was on their side. But I'm not, in all reality.

Barbossa: You never were a good liar.

_Barbossa puts his arm around Jack and points to the island._

Barbossa: Check it out. That's the same island we made you Governor of on our last little adventure.

Jack: Actually, I was _mayor_. And I believe the proper term would be _mis_adventure.

Barbossa: Whatever. Now walk.

Jack: Last time you left me a pistol with one shot.

Barbossa: I knew I was forgetting something. Where be Jack's pistol?

_Ragetti points._

Ragetti: It's over there.

_Pause._

Barbossa: Well, go get it!

_A pirate brings Jack's pistol and sword to Barbossa._

Jack: Seeing as there's two of us, a gentleman would leave us a pair of pistols.

Barbossa: Stop stalling. You know I'm not a gentleman.

_Barbossa chucks the sword and pistol into the water. Jack dives after them._

_Jack and Elizabeth wade onto the island's sandy beach._

Jack: That's the second time I've had to watch that sucker sail away with my ship.

Elizabeth: You don't have to watch. You could look at something else.

_Jack gives her his best death glare and starts to walk away._

Elizabeth: Why are you pouting? Can't we just escape the same way you did before?

Jack: Nope. We're stuck here.

Elizabeth: But you're Captain Jack Sparrow. Grand legendary pirate. You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India Trading Company without firing a shot.

Jack: Seven? I thought there were only six...

_Jack knocks on a tree trunk, then takes some funky-looking steps before bouncing up and down._

Elizabeth: Is there another Jack Sparrow, or are the stories just lies? How did you escape before?

Jack: Magic.

Elizabeth: Wrong answer.

Jack: Okay, fine, last time the rumrunners chose this place for their spring break party, and they gave me a lift. Kapeish? Just don't tell anyone. It'd ruin my reputation.

Elizabeth: That's what you're worried about? Your reputation? When we're marooned on an island, likely to die here before we see any sign of human civilization?

Jack: I'm always worried about my reputation.

Elizabeth: Where are these rumrunners now?

Jack: Out of business, if you know what I mean. No thanks to your bloody friend Norrington.

Elizabeth: In that case, he's not my friend anymore.

_Jack takes rum out of the cellar place._

Jack: Well, at least it's not such a bad place to be marooned.

Elizabeth: Are you serious? Rum?

Jack: Heck yes.

_Later that night, Jack and Elizabeth especially are making complete fools of themselves, dancing around a bonfire and singing loudly and dreadfully off-key. A bird falls out of the sky dead when it hears Jack singing._

Jack & Elizabeth: YO HO, YO HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!

Jack: I love this song! Really bad eggs!

_Jack falls over and Elizabeth sits down next to him._

Jack: Wanna know something?

Elizabeth: No, but I bet you'll tell me anyway.

_Jack is too drunk to notice she's being very sarcastic._

Jack: When I get the _Pearl_ back - which I will! - I'll teach this song to the whole crew, and we'll sing it all the time!

Elizabeth: You'll scare everyone out of the Spanish Main.

Jack: Not just the Spanish Main, the entire ocean!

Elizabeth: I don't doubt it. I wouldn't come within ten miles of that many drunk pirates singing badly.

_Jack suddenly becomes very philosophical._

Jack: You know, most people think a ship is just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails and such. But that's only what a ship needs. Besides me as a Captain, of course. But what a ship really is, what the _Black Pearl_ really is... is freedom. Oh, how I miss it...

Elizabeth: Life sucks, doesn't it?

Jack: Not so bad as last time. The company is infinitely better.

Elizabeth: Maybe I'd believe you if I had more rum.

Jack: Great idea!

_Jack chugs like an entire keg of rum then falls over unconcious._

Elizabeth: That's gonna hurt in the morning...

_Jack wakes up the next morning and smells something burning. He looks and sees that Elizabeth has started a bonfire using rum for fuel._

Jack: NO! NOT THE RUM! ARE YOU INSANE? You're burning all the shade... the food... THE RUM!

Elizabeth: You betcha.

Jack: Why is the rum gone?

Elizabeth: Because it's gross, and it would make even Norrington into a complete senseless idiot. And that signal flare is even bigger than your ego, so Norrington is bound to see it sooner or later. He's not nearly as nearsighted as he pretends to be.

Jack: But _why_ is the rum gone?

Elizabeth: Because it's on fire, okay? That's the simple answer. Just keep watching. In a few hours or less you'll see white sails on the horizon, and you'll thank me.

Jack: Betcha I won't.

_Jack wanders off, muttering to himself, mimicking Elizabeth's girly voice._

Jack: ...drunken slobs... bigger than your ego... life sucks, Jack, doesn't it, Jack? _(yelling)_ WELL, IT DOES NOW!

_Suddenly, Jack notices white sails on the horizon._

Jack: Why does the woman always have to be right?

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	20. Stuff and Things Happen

**Stuff and Things Happen Towards Getting Jack his Ship**

_Elizabeth is standing on the Dauntless with Governor Swann, Norrington, Gillette, and a bunch of other British guys. Murtogg and Mullroy, the two intellectuals, are guarding Jack, who is also on the Dauntless._

Elizabeth: But we've got to save Will!

Governor Swann: Actually, I had a different course of action in mind, one that invovled our return to Port Royal without gallavanting after pirates.

Elizabeth: So, what, you're just going to let Will die?

Governor Swann: Yeah, pretty much.

Elizabeth: NO!

Governor Swann: It's his own fault for turning pirate.

Elizabeth: To keep the real pirates from hurting me!

Jack: If I may comment, being a professional and all, it is unlikely that the _Pearl_ is in any condition to outrun this ship here. Meaning, you can catch her and therefore eliminate the last real pirate threat in the Caribbean. Think about what that could do for your career.

Norrington: Wonderful things, if this weren't another one of your tricks, which I'm sure it is.

Jack: Cynic.

Elizabeth: James, please! If you rescue Will, I'll marry you.

Governor Swann: Are you accepting the Commodore's proposal?

Elizabeth: Didn't I just say that?

Jack: Weddings! I love weddings! Drinks all around!

Norrington: (if looks could kill Jack would be so dead right now)

Jack: Yeah, yeah, I know the drill, "pirate goes to jail", right?

Norrington: First, you're going to tell these fine men how to get to the Isla de Muerta. Then you can spend the rest of the trip contemplating all possible meanings of the phrase "shut up or else."

Jack: Is that a threat?

Norrington: Duh.

_In the brig of the Black Pearl, Gibbs and them are all locked up. Ragetti and Pintel are swabbing the deck._

Parrot: You call that clean?

Gibbs: Cotton says you missed a spot.

_Pintel throws the mop at Gibbs._

Will: You knew William Turner.

Pintel: Wow. That was random.

Gibbs: You get used to it.

Pintel: Anyway, Bootstrap was the only one who seemed to have a problem with marooning Jack on that island. Something about the code. Anyway, he went and mailed you a piece of the treasure because he said we deserved to be cursed.

Ragetti: Jerk.

Gibbs: You're a jerk.

Pintel: Well, as you can imagine, Barbossa wasn't particulary overjoyed at the prosepect of staying cursed forever.

Ragetti: Nope. Wasn't happy at all. Tell him what Barbossa did.

Pintel: I would, if you would shut up.

Ragetti: Sorry. I just get excited. This is my favorite part.

Pintel: So Barbossa tied a cannon to Bootstrap's bootstraps.

Ragetti: (giggles) That's funny. Bootstrap's bootstraps. Because it's Bootstrap, and his bootstraps, so it's bootstraps again.

_Awkward pause._

Ragetti: Sorry, carry on.

Pintel: So anyway, the last we saw of Bootstrap was pretty basically the top of his head, as he was sinking down to Davy Jones' locker. Of course, the next day we learned that we needed his blood to lift the curse...

Ragetti: That's what you'd call... ironic...

Pintel: Where do you keep learning all these big words?

Ragetti: From the monkey.

_Barbossa comes halfway down the stairs and whips the key at Ragetti's head. Ragetti ducks, and the key lands in the cell at Will's feet._

Will: I am so not dealing with this.

_Barbossa rolls his eyes._

Barbossa: You figure this out. If he's not upstairs in five minutes, someone dies.

_Outside the cave, Norrington, Jack, the two intellectuals, and some uncredited extras dressed in soldierly uniforms are sitting in rowboats._

Norrington: Well, this sucks.

_The two intellectuals exchange glances and then look back at their Commodore, confused by his coarse speech._

Norrington: Sorry. I mean, I don't care for the situation.

Jack: The first one made more sense.

Norrington: Any attempt to storm the cave could turn into an ambush.

Jack: Well, duh, unless you're doing the ambushing.

Norrington: But I'm not…

Jack: But you could be! I go in there, convince Barbossa to send out his men in their sucker little rowboats, then you and your posse go back to your boat and blow the daylights out of them with your little cannons.

Norrington: My cannons aren't little. And my soldiers are not a posse.

Jack: Yes they are. Anyway, what do you think? What do you have to lose?

Norrington: My pride and self-respect.

Jack: Like I said, nothing to lose.

Norrington: Shut up.

Jack: Oh! One more thing! There's a small chance that the future Mrs. Your Wife will get blown off the face of the planet...

_On the Dauntless, Gillette is dragging Elizabeth across the deck. She is protesting loudly._

Gillette: Sorry. Actually, I'm not, but this is for your own safety. Besides, it was a direct order from Commodore Norrington to me, and, well, being military, I am forced to follow orders. Especially orders from my illustrious Commodore…

Elizabeth: Do you ever shut up? It's a wonder the Commodore hasn't fired you yet.

Gillette: Mommy says he can't.

Elizabeth: He's easily manipulated, isn't he? Anyway, if you care about the Commodore, you'll tell him that the pirates can't die! They're cursed!

Gillette: I'm sure that if there's anything important to know, the Commodore knows it already, being illustrious and all. It would be rather un-illustrious of him to be ignorant of important facts.

_Gillette gives the most annoying grin in the history of annoying grins, then locks Elizabeth up. Why can't someone slap him instead of Jack, for once?_

_

* * *

_Revised edition 2011!


	21. Gotta Love Suckers

**Gotta Love Suckers**

_Pirates are dragging Will through the cave._

Pintel: Don't worry. Just a prick of the finger, and it'll be all over.

Twigg: Actually, we're going to spill it all this time. Just for good measure.

Pintel: Sucks to be you.

_Barbossa drags Will up to the chest of gold, holds his knife, and prepares to make another long speech. Probably a boring one, too. Suddenly, Jack Sparrow shows up._

Will: Jack!

Jack: Hey everyone! Did you miss me?

Pintel: No.

Ragetti: You were gone?

Jack: Thanks guys. Well, anyways, I'm back.

Barbossa: That's impossible!

Jack: Lies.

Will: Where's Elizabeth?

Jack: Do you ever think about anything else? You do realize there's a maniacal pirate holding a knife to your throat...

Will: Where is she?

Jack: Don't worry, she's safe, just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington, just like she promised...

_Will gags._

Jack: ...you're going to die for her, just like you promised. So, looks like we're all men of our word! Except for Elizabeth, who is, in fact, a woman.

Barbossa: Shut up! You're next!

_Barbossa moves to slit Will's artery._

Jack: You don't want to be doing that...

Barbossa: Yes, actually, I do.

Jack: Sucks for you.

_Barbossa barely restrains himself from throwing the knife at Jack's head._

Barbossa: What do you know?

Jack: I know that the square root of 4,652,001 is not 12.

Barbossa: Let's keep this conversation centered around pertinent information, shall we?

Jack: In that case, I know that the HMS Dauntless is anchored just outside, ready to blast you and your crew of miscreants to tiny bits.

_Norrington is still sitting in that rowboat with Murtogg and Mullroy._

Murtogg: May I inquire as to what we are doing here?

Mullroy: I believe our plan is to wait until the pirates exit the cave, and then we are to open fire on them.

Murtogg: Well, yes, I was able to infer that that was our ultimate goal, but why are we not following the plan set before us by Mr. Sparrow? The one involving the cannons?

Norrington: Because Mr. Sparrow sucks. And now if the two of you don't shut up I will turn this boat around and you will both be court-martialed.

Murtogg: You doubt that he was being truthful?

Norrington: I said, shut up!

_Back in the cave..._

Jack: Just listen for a minute. You send your miscreants to the _Dauntless_ to decrease the British population. Robert's your uncle, Fannie's your aunt, and suddenly you have two ships. So that would make you Commodore Barbossa. I offer my services as Captain of the lesser vessel, since naturally you'll be taking the best one for yourself, since you're a pirate and all.

Barbossa: What does my Aunt Fannie have to do with any of this?

Jack: That's not the point. I'll say this simply. I get the _Pearl_. You get the _Dauntless_. Kapeish?

Barbossa: I suppose you'll want me to not kill this sucker.

Jack: Not at all. Kill the sucker. Who needs them anyways? But just wait to lift the curse until you've killed Norrington's entire posse.

Barbossa: Norrington has a posse?

_Jack suddenly points over Barbossa's shoulder._

Jack: Is that Justin Bieber?

_Barbossa turns to look._

Barbossa: Where?

_Jack steals a piece of gold from the chest. Will notices._

Will: You've been planning this from the beginning. Ever since you learned my name.

Jack: Duh.

_Barbossa turns back._

Barbossa: I don't see Justin Bieber…

Jack: Oops. My bad. Ah, well, anyways, what do you say to my offer?

Barbossa: I say I want fifty percent of your plunder.

Jack: Thief. Fifteen percent.

Barbossa: Forty.

Jack: Twenty-five. And I'll buy you a new hat. Really big and feathery and simply as ridiculous as possible. Commodore.

Barbossa: Fine. We have an accord.

_They shake hands._

Jack: Everybody to the boats!

Barbossa: Ahem. Hello?

Jack: Right, sorry. You give the orders.

Barbossa: Everybody... take a walk!

Jack: Wait, what?

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	22. Epic Battles and the Like

**Epic Battles and the Like**

_Ragetti and Pintel are in a rowboat, dressed as women. Norrington sees them._

Norrington: Don't shoot.

Random Soldier: I wasn't going to shoot anyone.

Norrington: I didn't ask if you were going to.

Random Soldier: You ended that sentence with a preposition.

Norrington: Who do you think you are, my English teacher?

_The Random Soldier takes off a disguise and reveals that he is, in fact, Norrington's English teacher._

Norrington: I don't think this can get any weirder.

_Oh, but it can._

Ragetti: This is just like what the Greeks did at Troy! Except, they were in a horse, instead of dresses...

Pintel: Yeah. Kind of a big difference, don't you think?

_Ragetti and Pintel are distracting the soldiers while pirates climb aboard the Dauntless. Sucks for Norrington. Governor Swann is on board, obviously, and he goes to the room Elizabeth is locked in. Sorry, proper grammar would be "to the room in which Elizabeth is locked"._

Governor Swann: Hey, Elizabeth? I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad you decided to marry Norrington.

Elizabeth: Screw Norrington. I'm outta here.

_She throws a rope out the window and climbs out of the ship down to a rowboat._

Governor Swann: Of course, a right decision made for the wrong reasons can be a wrong decision... What does that mean, anyway? Hm...

_Pause._

Governor Swann: Elizabeth, are you there?

_She's not._

_Ragetti and Pintel are still in their rowboat, making fun of each other._

Ragetti: My dress is prettier than yours.

Pintel: You sound like a fool.

Ragetti: Well, you look like one.

_Pintel attacks Ragetti, which reveals them for the undead pirate zombies they are. Pintel shoots Gillette's hat off._

Gillette: Oh wow... There's pirates invading this ship that the illustrious Commodore Norrington left me in charge of... He'd want me to defend it.

_The soldiers attack the pirates. Or maybe it was the other way around. Either way, it doesn't really matter. They're all fighting now._

_Jack and Barbossa and Will and some random undead pirates are standing in the cave near the treasure._

Barbossa: You know, Jack, you're always the same. Unpredictable.

Jack: Lies. Will, on the other hand, is stupid. So he does stuff like this!

_Jack takes a pirate's sword and throws it to Will, then takes out his own sword and starts attacking Barbossa. They do some fancy things, running all over, and when they come to a pause, they exchange taunts, such as Barbossa's next line._

Barbossa: You're off the edge of the map. Here there be monsters.

Jack: Don't be silly. The kraken's not due to show up for another year yet.

_Barbossa just attacks Jack again._

_When Elizabeth comes on board the Black Pearl, Grapple and some other pirate are sitting at a table with food. Outside their window, the monkey falls on a cannon, then slides into the water. They figure something must not be going quite according to plan._

_Elizabeth goes down to where Gibbs and the other guys are being held in the cells._

Gibbs: It's Elizabeth!

Elizabeth: No dip, Sherlock.

_Ragetti and Pintel fire cannons at the British. An almost-dead British guy rings the bell and then becomes a dead British guy._

_Norrington hears the bell._

Norrington: Gillette is having a fail. *sigh* Let's go help him.

_On board said ship, a pirate is attempting to kidnap Governor Swann's wig, of all things. He fights an epic battle of his own against a severed arm trying to get it back._

_In the cave, Barbossa and Jack are still fighting._

Barbossa: You can't beat me, Jack.

Jack: Wanna bet?

_Jack impales Barbossa. Nothing happens. Barbossa sighs, and impales Jack with the same sword. Jack staggers backwards into the moonlight and reveals that he is also an undead immortal skeleton. Barbossa stares in perplexity (don't you just love that word?) and Jack examines his skeletonly fingers._

Jack: That's awesome.

_Jack pulls out a piece of cursed gold._

Jack: Heehee.

_Barbossa attacks him again, and they continue fighting. After a while, they pause to once again exchange threats and taunts._

Barbossa: So, what now? We can't die, so are we going to keep on swinging our swords at each other until Judgement Day or something?

Jack: Or you could surrender.

_Barbossa attacks Jack. Again._

_On the Black Pearl, Elizabeth and some pirates throw the undead guards into the ocean._

Elizabeth: Okay, great, now all of you help me with this boat!

_The response is, well, nonexistant._

Elizabeth: Um, hello?

Parrot: Any port in the storm.

Elizabeth: What?

Gibbs: Cotton's right. We've got the Pearl.

Elizabeth: That's not what he said. And Cotton didn't even say it!

Parrot: Just work with me, okay?

Elizabeth: And what about Jack? You're just gonna ditch him, or what?

Gibbs: Well, when you put it that way...

Marty: Jack owes us a ship.

Gibbs: And there's the code to consider...

Elizabeth: Screw code! It's more like guidelines anyway.

_Apparently, she's unsuccessful at convincing them. She ends up in a rowboat by herself._

Elizabeth: Pirates suck.

_On the Dauntless, Ragetti and Pintel notice as the Black Pearl starts to sail away._

Ragetti: Hey... what's that?

Pintel: That's the Black Pearl, Sherlock.

Ragetti: But... it's moving... IT'S ALIVE!

Pintel: No, they're stealing it!

Ragetti: Jerks.

_In the cave, the epic battle is still being thought. A random pirate wants to skewer Will with a sword._

Random Pirate: I'm gonna teach you the meaning of pain.

_Elizabeth shows up._

Elizabeth: If you like pain, try having a pan of fire shoved into your bed and scorching your feet.

Random Pirate: No thanks.

_Elizabeth knocks him out with a large metal thing. Then she notices that Jack is a skeleton._

Elizabeth: So... is Jack with us?

Will: I don't even think the writers know.

_Will positions himself strategically by the chest, holding the medallion and a knife. Jack cuts his hand so he bleeds on the piece of gold he took, and tosses the coin to Will. Then Jack shoots Barbossa._

Barbossa: Sucker. You've waited ten years, and now you've wasted that shot.

Will: Not quite.

_Will drops the medallion and the other coin into the chest. Poof. Curse broken._

Barbossa: Well, crap.

_Barbossa falls over dead._

_On board the Dauntless, Norrington stabs a pirate and the pirate actually dies._

Norrington: I just did that!

_The rest of the pirates suddenly realize the curse has been broken and quickly surrender to the British._

Pintel: Parlay?

Norrington: Yes! Sweet victory! Does the ownage never cease?

_Pause. The British stare at Norrington, confused._

Norrington: I mean, the ship is ours.

Gillette: HUZZAH! Three cheers for the illustrious Commodore Norrington!

_Governor Swann comes out of the room, wig intact, and joins in the cheering. He also pretends to punch a pirate in the face._

_In the cave, Will and Elizabeth are having a "moment". Then Jack ruins it by making loud clanking noises._

Elizabeth: Uh... yeah. I should, um… go.

Will: That one guy will want to make sure you're alive. So he can marry you and all.

Elizabeth: The Commodore, you mean?

Will: Yeah, something like that.

_Elizabeth leaves. Jack comes over to Will, all decked out in crowns, jewels, bracelets, and other gold stuff._

Jack: If you were looking for the opportune moment... that was it.

Will: Oops.

Jack: Pretty much. Anyway, I'd appreciate it very much if you'll take me back to my ship.

_They're in a rowboat, rowing. Duh, what else would you do in a rowboat? Lots of things, I guess. But let's not get off-topic, shall we? The people in question are rowing, and that's all that matters to this story. Jack notices that his ship is gone and quickly deduces that his crew took it._

Jack: They acted like pirates. I'd be a hypocrite to condemn them for that.

* * *

Revised edition 2011!


	23. Theme Music

**Theme Music**

_Jack is standing on the gallows. An official reads from a scroll._

Official: Jack Sparrow, be it known that you have...

Jack: Captain. Captain Jack Sparrow. Can't you people ever get it right?

Official: ...for your willful comission of crimes against the crown. Said crimes being numerous in quantity and sinister in nature, the most egg... egri...

_The official leans over to Jack._

Official: What's this word?

_Jack frowns at the word._

Jack: I don't know. Just skip it.

Official: The most _something_ of these to be cited herewith. Piracy, smuggling...

_Elizabeth is standing at the back of the crowd with Norrington and Governor Swann._

Elizabeth: Father, the Commodore is a big meanie.

Norrington: Hey!

Governor Swann: Your fiance is bound by the law, just like the rest of us.

Official: ...pretending to be as illustrious as Commodore Norrington, impersonating a nun...

_The official shudders at the thought. Jack grins._

Official: ...sailing under nonexistant colors, making fun of Commodore Norrington, being mean to Lieutenant Gillette, scaring the Governor, and general lawlessness. And for these crimes, you have been sentenced to be, on this day, hung by the neck until you die. Sucks for you.

Jack: Thanks a lot.

Official: No problem.

_Will pushes his way through the crowd and stops in front of Norrington, Elizabeth, and the Governor. Will is wearing an awesome feathered hat. I think it rocks, but everyone else thinks it's kind of superfluous. That's like my favorite word ever._

Will: Good morning, everyone.

Norrington: Well, it was until you showed up.

Governor Swann: Mr. Turner, are you aware that you have an ostrich on your head?

_Will ignores the Governor._

Will: Elizabeth. I love you.

_Will runs off._

Norrington: She's taken!

Elizabeth: Let it go, James.

_The exocutioner puts the noose around Jack's neck. Elizabeth notices Cotton's parrot, which means the Black Pearl must be nearby._

Elizabeth: Uhh... I can't breathe?

_Elizabeth falls backwards, pretending to faint. The Governor and the Commodore hurry to help Elizabeth. Therefore, they don't notice Will charging the gallows with a sword. He throws it just as the door drops, and Jack stands on it while Will battles the executioner. Jack is cut free, and someone drops the executioner on Norrington. Jack and Will make their way up to the battlements by clotheslining the British military. Then suddenly, they're surrounded._

Norrington: I thought something like this might happen, but I never thought you'd be the one smart enough to orchestrate it.

Will: Hey!

Governor Swann: I cleared you of all charges and this is how you thank me? He's a pirate!

Will: And a good man.

Jack: Told ya.

Will: Screw the law, Jack's a good man, and if I hang for this, too bad so sad.

Norrington: You forget your place.

Will: It's right here. Between you and Jack.

Elizabeth: Me too.

_Elizabeth steps between Norrington and Jack._

Governor Swann: DON'T SHOOT MY DAUGHTER!

Random Soldier: Do I look like I was going to?

Governor Swann: Just lower your weapons.

_The soldiers do._

_Norrington makes the Ultimate Rejection Face._

Norrington: You... you... love him?

Elizabeth: Well, yeah.

_Norrington weeps._

_Jack sees the parrot._

Jack: Well, this is just splendid! Though, I really must be going now, before one of you decides to end this stalemate. Commodore, mate, I was rooting for you all along. Elizabeth, sorry I didn't propose to you sooner. Will... you have an ostrich on your head. In conclusion. This is the day that you will always remember as the day that you…

_Jack falls off the battlements._

Gillette: Loser! Where does he think he's going, out to sea? Commodore, sir, he'll just have to go back to the noose, won't he? Commodore Norrington, I know that you, being a man of action, will have a brilliant plan already formulating that will result in the capture of Jack Sparrow. Would you care to share that plan with your humble Lieutenant?

Norrington: That's the most disturbing thing I've ever heard you say.

Governor Swann: I think the Commodore means that piracy isn't always wrong when it saves Elizabeth.

Norrington: Mr. Turner.

Will: I'm screwed...

Norrington: This sword is totally nice. I hope you'll be just as nice to Elizabeth. Because if you're not, I'll throw you in prison. I can do that. I'm the Commodore.

Gillette: Commodore Norrington, sir! What do you want me to do, sir, about Sparrow, sir?

Norrington: I think we can afford to give him one day's head start.

Gillette: That's... uncharacteristically gracious of you, Commodore, sir, and ordinarily I would admire you for such an action, but in the case of a pirate such as Sparrow...

Norrington: Gillette, shut up. You're making my head hurt. Why don't you make yourself useful and go invent asprin or something?

Gillette: Yes, sir, right away, sir, anything for you, Commodore, sir.

Norrington: I need a drink so bad right now it's not even funny.

_Elizabeth stands with Will on the battlements._

Governor Swann: Do you seriously want to marry him?

Elizabeth: Yep.

Governor Swann: But... he's a blacksmith!

Elizabeth: No, he's a pirate.

_Elizabeth and Will smooch while romantic theme music plays._

_Jack is pulled aboard the Black Pearl in one of the greatest stunts and camera shots ever._

Jack: I hope I don't sound ungrateful, but, didn't I tell you to stick to the code?

Gibbs: Elizabeth said they were more like guidelines.

Jack: Oh, taking orders from Elizabeth now, are you?

Gibbs: No... But she made a lot of sense...

Jack: Never mind.

_Cotton gives Jack his hat, and Anamaria puts his coat around his shoulders._

Anamaria: Go ahead and take the ship. But do it quick before I change my mind.

_Jack walks to the wheel and strokes it fondly. Then he becomes self-concious._

Jack: Go make yourselves useful! Suckers!

_The crew scurries away._

Jack: Now... bring me that horizon.

_Jack takes out his compass._

Jack: Lalala... really bad eggs... Drink up me hearties yo ho!

_The compass snaps shut and theme music plays._

_The end._

_

* * *

_

Revised edition 2011! Hope you guys enjoyed this! If you want more, go check out my parodies of Pirates 2 and 3.


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